One Moment
by ElmKey
Summary: "There is always one moment in childhood where the door opens and lets the future in" - Deepak Chopra. For Severus Snape, that one moment was a summer day in 1969 when he first saw Lily Evans. But this moment didn't affect only his life...
1. Letters and Notes Part One: Best Friends

**Disclaimer**: Anything you recognize from the Harry Potter series is not mine :(

**Summary:** _"There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in." - Deepak Chopra _| For Severus Snape, that one moment was a summer day in 1969 when he first saw Lily Evans. This one moment affected not only Severus Snape, but touched the lives of many other people as well. The story begins in 1969 with Snape and Lily's first meeting, and will continue until the end of the battle of Hogwarts. **  
**

**A/N: These first couple of chapters are in the style of letters and notes between Lily Evans and Severus Snape. It will become normal chapters later; these are just to give an idea of where the story is going. Also, when a letter ends in a hyphen (-) that means that it was never sent. The dates at the beginning of each section are important, because sometimes only minutes have passed between sections and sometimes years have passed. Thanks for reading, enjoy :)**

**-ElmKey**

* * *

**Letters and Notes – Part One: Best Friends _(1969-1971)_**

_August, 1969_

_To the Pretty Girl with the Red Hair, _

_ I have been watching you for a while now. I know what you are; I've seen what you can do. You're a witch! I'm a wizard-_

_To the Pretty Girl with the Red Hair,_

_ I've never met anyone else like me before. You know, that can do magic. Maybe we could be friends? We could-_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I'm sorry I frightened you that day at the park. I was just excited to meet someone else like me, someone who can do magic. Please forgive me. Maybe we could meet sometime? We could talk about the wizarding world, and I could tell you all about Hogwarts, a school for people like us. _

_ Sincerely,_

_ Severus Snape_

_Dear Severus,_

_ Did you really mean it when you said what I can do is magic? Petunia says you're lying, that you just want to trick me. I think we should meet by the river, tomorrow. Try not to jump out at me this time!_

_ From, _

_ Lily Evans_

* * *

_August, 1969_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I'm really sorry about dropping the branch on your sister. Sometimes when I get angry, I can't help it – the magic just explodes out of me. Your sister was mean first by the way, and she wasn't hurt! I really hope we can still be friends._

_ Awaiting your reply,_

_ Severus_

_Severus,_

_ I know Petunia said a mean thing, but that's no excuse for what you did! I know you dropped that branch on purpose so don't deny it! _

_ Awaiting a real apology,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I am truly sorry that I hurt you sister. Please forgive me?_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I forgive you._

_ Lily_

* * *

_August, 1971_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I can't believe your muggle sister contacted Hogwarts! There must be wizards working undercover in the postal service in case muggles try to contact Hogwarts. What do you suppose was written in the letter? I do wish you had let me open it!_

_ Regards,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ First of all, I don't like it when you call Petunia my muggle sister; she has a name, use it! Secondly, I was incredibly curious, so I opened it… Do you think that makes me a terrible sister Sev? Apparently she had written to ask if she could go to Hogwarts too! After reading it I felt so guilty… Poor Petunia, left behind when she knows about magic. That's very cruel of them not to let her go too! _

_ See you later,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ She sent a letter asking to go to Hogwarts too? That's ridiculous! She's a muggle; she can't go to a school for magic! And it's not cruel of them not to accept her, Lily; it would be cruel to let her come when she can't do any magic. Don't feel guilty, it's not your fault that you're special and she's not. _

_ From,_

_ Severus_

_PS: I don't think looking at that letter makes you a terrible sister._

_Dear Severus,_

_ That's mean to say that Petunia's not special! She is special; she just doesn't have magic. Why are you so mean to her all the time? What did she ever do to you? I really miss being best friends with Petunia; we used to be so close. I almost wish I wasn't a witch._

_ Hoping you're feeling better than me,_

_ Lily_

_PS: It's kind of you to say that I'm not a terrible sister, but it's not true._

_Dear Lily,_

_ Don't worry about Petunia. She'll come around. And if she doesn't, it's her loss. And as for me being mean to her, in case you haven't noticed, she's mean to me! Right from the first day we met, "You're that Snape boy! You live down Spinner's End by the river." As if that makes me somehow worse than she is. I'm sorry that you miss her, since you say she was your best friend. I've never had a best friend. I've never even had a friend actually. Maybe I could be your best friend instead of her? And don't say you wish you weren't a witch, because if you weren't, we might never have met! And it **is** true that you're not a terrible sister; she's a terrible sister for making you feel guilty about something that isn't your fault. She's terrible for ruining what should have been the best surprise of your life. _

_ Hope you're feeling better now,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ It's true that Petunia is mean to you. I'm sorry about that. How could you never have had a friend! That's horrible! You must have had some friends? Of course I'll be your best friend. You're my best friend Sev; I've never been able to talk to anyone the way I talk to you. You really make me happy. I still feel a bit guilty about Petunia, but you're right, it's not my fault. _

_ Your best friend,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I don't blame you for what Petunia does. And it's true; I've never had a friend. Who wants to be friends with 'That Snape Boy' right? I'm really glad that you and I will be best friends from now on. You make me happy too. Don't worry about Petunia. _

_ Your best friend,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I want to be friends with 'That Snape Boy'. I think 'That Snape Boy' is the best person I have ever met. And I know that 'That Snape Boy' is my very best friend in the whole world. Oh, I've been meaning to ask, why don't we meet at Platform 9 ¾? We can sit together on the train, on the way to Hogwarts! I'm so excited!_

_ Your very best friend in the whole world,_

_ Lily_

* * *

_September, 1971_

_I really hope you'll be in Slytherin, like me. I really want to be in the same house as you._

_Why are you writing me a note, we're sitting right next to each other!_

_I don't want the other people in this compartment to hear me. Didn't you see the reactions of those toe rags in the other compartment?_

_Those boys were incredibly mean to you Sev! I hope that whatever house I'm in, it's not the same one as them! Why did they react so badly to you wanting me to be in Slytherin with you? And how do you know you'll be in Slytherin anyway?_

_They didn't like me mentioning Slytherin because they want to be in Gryffindor. Gryffindors and Slytherins hate each other. And I know I'm going to be in Slytherin because my mum was in Slytherin, and so were her parents, and grandparents…It's a family tradition._

_Why do Gryffindors and Slytherins hate each other? And do houses always run in families?_

_Gryffindors and Slytherins have always hated each other. They're opposites. And houses don't always run in families, but they often do. Besides, I want to be in Slytherin._

_I heard that Slytherin often turns out dark witches and wizards. Why would you want to be in a house like that anyway? I think you should break the family cycle, and join me in another house._

_I love dark magic. When you know a lot about it, you'll be able to defend yourself. And I'd rather you be in Slytherin with me, but if it came to a choice, I would choose to be with you. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose. The sorting hat puts us where we belong. And it will put me in Slytherin, because that's where I belong._

_I can't believe that you love dark magic! That's terrible! I do hope you're teasing me! I'm still not sure I'd want to be in Slytherin, but I do want to be with you Sev. I think that even if we end up in different houses, we will still be best friends. Promise me that even if you're in Slytherin and I'm in Gryffindor, we'll still be best friends!_

_I told you, Gryffindors and Slytherins always hate each other. And even if we were still friends, our friends would hate each other! It would be much better if you were in Slytherin._

_Promise me!_

_I promise._

* * *

_September, 1971_

_Dear Lily,_

_ You're in Gryffindor. We'll never see each other now. I'm going to miss you._

_ Sincerely,_

_ Severus_

_Severus,_

_ You promised! We **will** still see each other! We're best friends. And I don't care that you're in Slytherin. Personally, I find all this house rivalry to be utter nonsense. Those stupid boys from the train are in Gryffindor too. They're so arrogant! As if they had the nerve to try and tease me after they were so rude on the train. Don't forget your promise!_

_ Your irritated best friend,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I haven't forgotten my promise. And house rivalry has always, and will always exist. I wasn't trying to be mean when I said we wouldn't see each other anymore, but we're in different houses. You'll be friends with other people and forget all about me. I really wish you'd been put in Slytherin!_

_ Your very disappointed best friend,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I won't ever forget you! For the last time, I don't care that you're in Slytherin, we're still best friends! I'll see you tomorrow. _

_ Your best friend (despite being in Gryffindor!)_

_ Lily_

**A/N: All reviews are appreciated :) **** I'm sorry if it was difficult to read the letters, my formatting was altered when I loaded the document and I don't know how to fix it. **Constructive criticism, your interpretation of the chapter, and questions are all appreciated! Any questions you have I'll answer at the beginning of the next chapter. Thanks,

** -ElmKey**


	2. Letters&Notes Part 2: The Hogwarts Years

Disclaimer: Anything you recognize from the Harry Potter series is not mine

**A/N: Just a reminder that the letters ending in a hyphen are not sent. Also, the rest of the letters will be accompanied by the regular style chapters later on, so if you feel like some of the plot is missing from the parts that branch away from the novels, that's why. **

**Thanks for reading, enjoy :) **

** -ElmKey**

* * *

**Letters and Notes – Part Two: The Hogwarts Years _(1975-1977)_**

_May, 1975_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I don't think you were listening to me when I was talking about Mulciber and Avery. They are awful! Why do you insist on hanging around people like that Sev? You're not like them! Not really. You act like one of those guys, but I know the real you. Please, please, can't you find different friends?_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ Mulciber and Avery are all right. They're in Slytherin like me. And you'll find I don't tell you who you can and can't be friends with! And how do you know I'm not like them? You accuse me of pretending around them; maybe I can only act like my true self around them!_

_ Severus_

_Severus,_

_ I am so sick of you going on about Slytherin, like it's so important! There can be friends among different houses. And none of my friends practice dark magic. And I know you're not like those other guys because they are evil, and you're not Sev, I know you're not!_

_ Lily_

_Lily,_

_ What house you're in is important. And those guys aren't evil; like I said, they're just having a laugh. They're nothing like that Potter and Black in your house! You can hardly tell me my friends are evil when you hang about with the likes of Potter and Black!_

_ Severus_

_Severus Snape, how dare you suggest that the things Potter and Black get up to are evil, when you've seen what you're supposed 'friends' do! More importantly, how dare you suggest that I 'hang about' with Potter and Black, they disgust me! You are so rude Severus Snape; I don't know how I put up with you!_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I hate fighting with you. You are still my best friend. But you understand, I need to have other friends besides you, I'd be alone most of the time if my only friend was in Gryffindor. Besides, I get along well with Mulciber and Avery and the other guys. Please Lily, please don't hate me for it?_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I could never hate you. Despite how angry you make me sometimes, and despite your horrid 'friends', you are still my best friend. I can only hope you'll come to realize that you are worth so much more than those other guys. Let's not argue. I'll see you later,_

_ Love from,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ What did you mean when you signed the letter, love from? Does that mean that you feel the same way as I do? I've loved you for a long time, Lily Evans. I will love you forever. I-_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I agree. Let's not argue. _

_ Love from,_

_ Severus_

* * *

_June, 1975_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I'm sorry. Please forgive me._

_ I miss you,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I'm really and truly sorry. I didn't mean to say it. Please, please forgive me._

_ Severus_

_Dear Lily,_

_ Please, I can't stand that you're angry with me. Please forgive me, you're my best friend!_

_ Severus_

_Dear Lily,_

_ Please. I'm begging you._

_Lily, please, please forgive me. _

_I can't live without you Lily._

* * *

_June, 1975_

_Dear Lily,_

_ You were very clear outside Gryffindor Tower. I get it. We can't be friends anymore. I just want you to know how truly sorry I am. I wouldn't be surprised if you threw this letter into the fire without even looking at it. But I hope you're reading it. I meant what I said in my last letter; I can't live without you. Goodbye Lily. _

_Severus Snape, how dare you trick me into thinking you were going to kill yourself in order to force me to talk to you! Obviously you can live without me; your choice to join a group of people who want to become Death Eaters proves it. You want to be one too, don't you? You told me on the Hogwarts Express our first year, you love dark magic. Well, I can't forgive you if you are so interested in dark magic. You were my best friend, but you chose those evil Slytherins over me. I can't ever forgive that. But don't you dare kill yourself, or I will have to resurrect you and kill you again myself!_

_Lily,_

_ Please, can't we just be friends again? I'm sorry, it was a nasty thing to do. I just wanted to talk to you again. You're my best friend… Please just answer me._

_ Love,_

_ Severus_

_Severus,_

_ I cared for my best friend. You aren't acting like him anymore. But maybe we could still write each other. I've missed you._

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I understand. Maybe we could still be best friends?_

_ Severus_

_Severus,_

_ You are lucky I'm even writing to you, after you called me a mudblood. I don't want to see you. I think if I see your face, I might have to slap it. But we can continue to write letters._

_ Your pen pal (and former best friend),_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I know I don't deserve your friendship. But I've missed you too, so much. I'd love to keep writing to you._

_ Your pen pal,_

_ Severus_

* * *

_April, 1976_

_Dear Lily,_

_ Is it true that you're dating James Potter? Please tell me it isn't true._

_ Your pen pal,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ It's true._

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I can't believe it. James Potter, my enemy. I love you Lily-_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I can't believe you're dating that arrogant, self-centered imbecile! He's not good for you! I highly recommend breaking it off immediately!_

_ Severus _

_Dear Severus,_

_ James isn't so bad. He's changed, grown up I think. And you lost the right to give me advice when you lost the title of best friend. Pen pals aren't allowed to give out advice._

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ If you ever cared for me, how can you be with him?_

_Dear Severus,_

_ You were my best friend, but that doesn't change how I feel about James now. I'm sorry if I've hurt you, but I can't change what has happened between us. _

_ I'm sorry,_

_ Lily _

_Dear Severus,_

_ You still haven't answered me. I'm getting worried. Please write,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ Don't worry about me. I hope you're happy with Potter._

_Dear Severus,_

_ I'm sorry I hurt you. Forgive me?_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ If you recall, I hurt you first. I suppose this is just me receiving my due._

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ Now that we're even, maybe we can be more than pen pals? Maybe we can be friends again?_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I do not have the desire for you to slap my face upon seeing it, nor do I have the desire to be anywhere near James Potter, who is constantly at your side._

_ Good Day to you,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I promise I won't slap you. Let's talk._

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I can't stand Potter and I refuse to be anywhere near him. If you ever cared for me, you would understand that._

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ Fine._

(Lily continues to write Snape, who replies, but only answers direct questions and doesn't offer any information about what he is doing.)

* * *

_May, 1977_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I think I'm in love._

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I would have loved you more than James Potter; I can't believe I lost you to him. I still love you Lily. That's why I can't stop writing to you even though it kills me to read about you and him. I can't bear it-_

_Dear Lily,_

_ You know how I feel about this. Please, don't write again. _

_ Goodbye,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ Don't be like that! Be happy for me. I know you and James never got along, but you're still my pen pal Severus and I still can't help but think of you as my best friend. Please don't hate me._

_ Miss you,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I could never hate you. But I beg you, don't write to me again. You made a choice, and now I'm making a choice too._

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I know you don't want me to write, but I can't lose you!_

_ Please,_

_ Lily_

_Lily,_

_ You already have._

_ Severus_

_Please._

_I beg you, do not write again._

_Please Severus? _

_Severus, please write._

_Severus Snape, answer me!_

_Fine. Go join your Death Eater friends. _

_I'm sorry Sev, that was mean. But it hurts me that you won't answer!_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I must accept that you won't write to me again. I miss you terribly, but I respect your wishes. I will not write again._

_ Love from,_

_ Lily_

* * *

**A/N: If you can take the time to review, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks,**

** -ElmKey**


	3. Letters and Notes Part 3: Together Again

**Disclaimer: Anything you recognize from the Harry Potter series is not mine**

**A/N: This is the last chapter in the style of letters and notes. After this, I will go back and tell the rest of the story in the usual style. **

** -ElmKey**

* * *

**Letters and Notes – Part Three: Together Again (1980-1982)**

_July, 1980_

_Lily,_

_ You are being hunted. You and your family. There is a prophecy, and because of it the Dark Lord is going to hunt you down, to kill your son. Please believe me-_

_Dumbledore,_

_ Meet me on the hilltop outside Hogwarts. I will be there, alone. _

_ Severus Snape_

* * *

_October, 1980_

_Severus,_

_ James is dead. I am in hiding with Harry. Someone we thought was a friend betrayed us. I don't know who I can trust. Please, Sev, I need your help._

_ Lily_

_Lily,_

_ I am living at my parent's old house in Spinner's End. I will be waiting for you. Please be careful, you must not get caught. _

_ Severus_

* * *

_November, 1980_

_Dear Severus,_

_ Thank you. For forgiving me, for protecting me and Harry, and for being there for me. _

_ Love,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ You're welcome. I've missed you so much. I'm so grateful that you're alive; I am so glad that you wrote me._

_ Love, _

_ Severus_

* * *

_November, 1981_

_Dear Severus,_

_ What are you doing when you're out of the house all of the time? You always look so worried… I wish you would talk to me. I care about you._

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I can't tell you. It's for your own protection. I care too much for you to put you at risk again. Please try to understand._

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I find it kind of funny that we keep writing each other even when we live in the same house. But for some reason it's easier to talk through writing than in person, probably because you turn red and start stuttering when I tell you how much I care for you in person!_

_ Lots of love,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I agree. It is much easier to communicate through writing, probably for the reason you suggested in your last letter. I know that I would probably never be able to say this to you in person, but I feel that I must tell you because it is becoming difficult for me to keep my feelings hidden. I love you Lily._

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus_

_ I love you too._

* * *

_February, 1982_

_Dear Lily,_

_ Why does it feel like you're avoiding me? Have I done something wrong? Please tell me, I can't bear you silence._

_ Love,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I'm pregnant._

_Dear Lily,_

_ I don't understand._

_Dear Severus,_

_ That means that your baby is growing inside me._

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I understand that part, thank you. But why have you been avoiding me? Are you sorry that we… Have I upset you?_

_ Missing you,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ It's not you. You have been perfect. It's just… It hasn't been long since James… And Harry is only a year old. It's only been a year since I loved another man, and had a baby with him. I can't help but feel guilty. I've betrayed James. I'm sorry I'm such a mess._

_ I'm so confused,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ Even now, James Potter has managed to ruin everything! He had you first, but I survived, despite the amount of pain it caused me! He's dead and still-_

_Dear Lily,_

_ Your husband would have wanted you to be happy. And just think, your son will have a little brother or sister to play with, I'm sure that will make him happy. Try not to feel guilty._

_ I love you,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I'm sorry. How rude of me to bring up James when I know you never… But I can't help it Sev, I loved him. I had a child with him! I can't forget him._

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I don't expect you to forget your husband. But he is gone. You can move forward. I love you so much; I can't bear to see you hurting. Please, try to move forward, if not for me, than for the baby._

_ Love, _

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I will move on. Not just for the baby, for you. I do love you. I love you, Severus Snape. I'm going to try and make you happy. _

_ Love,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ You always make me happy._

_ Love,_

_ Severus_

* * *

_May, 1982_

_Dear Severus,_

_ Since you are out all the time (and still refuse to tell me why I might add) and I am so tired all the time, I am reverting back to our old system of communication – letters. _

_ Hope to see your face again sometime,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I'm sorry I can't be around more. Get lots of rest. _

_ Love,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I assure you, I am sleeping whenever Harry is sleeping. That boy is getting more rambunctious every day!_

_ Love,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I hope your son doesn't tire you out too much. You know that you need your rest. _

_ Love,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ You worry too much. Harry is just fine; I'm just fine. Other than the fact that I rarely see you lately. Wake me up next time you come home._

_ Love,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I am not going to wake you up, as I have said on countless occasions, you need your rest. _

_ Love,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I'm going to start to forget what you look like! Even Harry has been missing you. He asked for you today. I wasn't sure what he meant at first, but he kept looking at the door and asking 'Sevy?' It was so adorable!_

_ Love,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ Are you happy I woke you last night? Because you seemed a little cranky. Might I remind you that it was you who asked me to wake you? _

_ Love,_

_Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ Yes, despite my less than friendly greeting, I am still glad you woke me. I was beginning to think you were a figment of my imagination. _

_ Love,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ Something has been bothering me. How are we supposed to get you to a hospital to have the baby? I'm sure that the Dark Lord has spies everywhere. Perhaps we could use polyjuice potion?_

_ Love,_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ We can't use polyjuice potion. I have no idea how it would affect the baby, do you? I can only see one solution; I'm going to have to have this baby at home._

_ Love,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ That is outrageous! People still die giving birth you know! The polyjuice potion shouldn't harm the baby. I think that is the safer option._

_ Love,_

_ Severus_

_Severus,_

_ The polyjuice shouldn't harm the baby? Are you serious? This is our child; I will not risk her life! I can't believe you!_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I'm sorry. You're right of course. I was blinded by my worry for you. Of course I want our child to be okay. But I can't stand the thought of losing you. Perhaps we can get a midwife, and wipe her memory afterwards?_

_ Love,_

_ Severus_

_PS: You said her life. The baby is a girl? _

_Dear Severus,_

_ No one can come into this house. What if Voldemort somehow traced her? I will not put Harry's life in danger._

_ Lily_

_PS: I can't know for sure of course, but yes, I'm almost positive the baby is a girl._

_Lily,_

_ I do not want to put your life in danger!_

_ Severus_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I'm sure I'll be fine. I was fine when I had Harry. I refuse to leave, or let anyone come into this house. That is final._

_ Lily_

_Lily,_

_ Do you really care so little for your own life, or for me? Do you not realize that the thought of losing you terrifies me? How can you not take my fears seriously? And what about your son? What will happen to him if you don't survive?_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I'm sorry I upset you. But you must understand, I need to protect Harry. I love Harry, and care much more for him than I care for myself. I don't care for myself as long as Harry survives. Promise me Severus, if anything happens to me, you'll look after Harry?_

_ Love,_

_ Lily_

_Dear Lily,_

_ I care for you. I care that you survive. I will not lose you; I cannot lose you. You must understand, that I love you more than life itself. I would die for you Lily. _

_Promise me you'll take care of Harry if I die._

_Lily, you are not listening to me!_

_Promise me. _

_I promise._

* * *

_August, 1982_

_Severus,_

_ I don't know where you are, but I hope this owl finds you. The baby is coming. I need you. Please come home._

* * *

_September, 1982_

_Dear Severus,_

_ I don't dare wake you, as it's been the first time that you have slept since Leah was born. Leah Jane Snape. She is so perfect Severus. The dress is beautiful, by the way. Leah will look absolutely adorable in it. You look so peaceful in sleep Severus, not as worried as you look during the day. I still wish you would talk to me. _

_ Love,_

_ Lily_

* * *

_September, 1982_

_ You're a Death Eater! A Death Eater, Severus! I can't believe it, after everything we went through together! All those times you were away, you were following Voldemort's orders? You were going to hand Harry over to Voldemort, weren't you? I can't believe you! I knew you never liked Harry, but this… I trusted you Severus. And all this time, you've been lying to me! I loved you. I wanted to make you happy. Why have you betrayed me Severus? How could you? We have a daughter together. You have a child! How could you do this to her? There are no words. No words could describe just how angry I am at you. I have taken Harry and Leah. You will never see us again Severus. Now you have what you always wanted. Goodbye Severus._

* * *

**A/N: As always, a review would be greatly appreciated :)**

** -ElmKey**


	4. Hogwarts

**The Hogwarts Years _(April, 1975 – May, 1977)_**

_April 15, 1975_

A supposedly wise person had once said, "The truth will set you free." It was a cliché that had been repeated, and heard so many times that Snape couldn't remember who had said it originally. Not that it mattered. He, however, thought that the intelligence of this person was debatable.

The truth was; he, Severus Snape, was in love with Lily Evans. This did not make him feel free. In fact, it did quite the opposite. He felt trapped.

He didn't want to be in love with Lily. He knew she would never feel the same way about him. He had denied that he was in love with her, and tried to convince himself that he wasn't.

He had even gone so far as to write 'I hate Lily Evans' over and over. However, he had discovered that as he wrote her name, he couldn't help but think about how pretty her name was, making him think about how beautiful she was, rendering the words he was writing moot.

He was the model Slytherin, what everyone expected him to be. He had found a group of friends who wanted to become Death Eaters, he practiced dark magic, and he admitted that he was cold and cruel. This didn't really bother him. It was what he was destined for, what he wanted. But he wanted Lily too.

Lily had been his first friend. She alone had been able to look past where he had come from and see someone worth befriending. And though he knew it was hopeless to love her, he couldn't help himself. And this infuriated him.

He prided himself on being in control. Nothing ever got to him. And yet, he found that Lily could reduce him to nothing more than a stuttering schoolboy. He couldn't stand that.

People often described love as a delightful 'butterflies in the stomach' kind of feeling. Or a 'walking on air' sensation. This was completely false. Love was more like a squeezing sensation, as though every organ in the body became magnetically attracted to one another, and was trying to squish together, as tiny as possible.

He sometimes felt as though he were like a star, when it collapses in on itself before it can't take the pressure and explodes. After the explosion, it dies.

"You'll be the death of me." That seemed to be a more accurate cliché.

Because sometimes, the pain of knowing that the woman he loved would never love him back seemed almost unbearable. And yet, he couldn't stay away from her. He knew it might be easier to just break off all contact. He could completely devote himself to becoming a cold, indifferent Death Eater. But the thought of never speaking to Lily again took his breath away, and gave him the familiar painful squeezing sensation. No, love was definitely not pleasant.

Then again, perhaps when the person you love returned those feelings, love would be more pleasant. He didn't know. He had only ever loved Lily.

He wondered if it came to a choice, what he would choose. If Lily ever did return his feelings, could he turn his back on everything else he had strived for: all the work on reigning in and squashing all emotion, practicing dark magic, getting to know the right people. All of his ambitions. Yes. It was that simple. If Lily ever cared for him as much as he cared for her, he would give up everything else. What did that mean? Did that mean that his ambition wasn't strong enough? And why should he have to give everything up for her, why should he want to? Because he was in love with her. It all came down to that. But she would never love him back. And so, he would continue to be her friend; it was the best he would ever get.

He really, truly, did hate that he loved her. He really wished he could change that fact. But he had tried, over and over, and nothing worked. He felt as though he was in some kind of limbo, trying to decide if he should continue to live a half-life, loving someone who wouldn't love him back; or leave her behind, and strive towards much more achievable goals. He couldn't do both. And he couldn't decide.

And this was the reason he tried so very hard to avoid emotional bonds. Loving someone was a lot more trouble than it was worth.

* * *

_June 19, 1975_

Lily stared at the note in horror.

_Dear Lily,_

_ You were very clear outside Gryffindor Tower. I get it. We can't be friends anymore. I just want you to know how truly sorry I am. I wouldn't be surprised if you threw this letter into the fire without even looking at it. But I hope you're reading it. I meant what I said in my last letter; I can't live without you. Goodbye Lily. _

No, surely, he didn't mean what it sounded like… He said he couldn't live without her, but surely, _surely_, that didn't mean he wanted to die? Or even if it did, he wouldn't actually try to make that happen…

But he had said goodbye, he never said goodbye in his letters. And it sounded as though he really intended to…

She didn't want to go and find him if the letter hadn't meant what she thought. But she would never forgive herself if she was wrong, and he was… _dead_. The thought made her freeze as though she had been dunked in a tub filled with ice-cold water. No matter how angry she had been with him, he had still been her best friend; she couldn't bear it if he died, especially if it was because of her.

Her decision made, Lily quickly tucked the letter under her pillow, the best hiding place she could think of in such short notice, and raced down the stairs and headed to the dungeons as fast as she could. People were staring as she raced down the halls, her hair flying behind her.

The words from the letter were running through her mind, and she felt a sense of panic taking over. She skidded to a halt in front of the entrance to the Slytherin common room.

But how was she supposed to find him? Just then, a couple of Slytherins exited, looking at her strangely. It probably wasn't very common to find an out of breath Gryffindor standing outside their common room.

"Is Severus in there?" she demanded, ignoring the looks the group exchanged.

"Who?" one of them asked.

"Sever-"

"Oh, wait," one of them said. "We don't care." His companions laughed, and they turned and walked away.

Lily was fuming. Was that really necessary? And she was in a hurry…

Luckily, another couple of people came out of the common room.

"What are you doing here?" a boy demanded.

"I'm looking for Severus, is he in there?" Lily demanded.

"That scrawny fifth year? I don't know," he replied. "And I don't-"

"Can you check?" Lily asked desperately.

"Listen, girl, you can't just tell me what-"

"Please!" Lily begged. A girl in the group was watching Lily, and seemed to come to a decision.

"I saw him heading towards the lake," she told Lily.

The lake! That was so far, and she had wasted so much time already…

"Thank you!" she called over her shoulder as she ran towards the doors leading to Hogwarts grounds.

As she headed towards the lake, now panting after all the running she had been doing, she could see a figure silhouetted in the semi-darkness.

"Severus," she gasped. He was too far away to hear her if she called to him.

And then she saw the figure walking forward. Into the lake. The sight of this made her push herself to run as fast as she could, the wind stinging her eyes.

"Severus!" she screamed. He kept walking. She was nearer now; she could see him more clearly, up to his waist in the water.

"Severus!" she screamed again.

This time, he turned. His eyes widened in surprise when he saw her.

"Lily?" he asked.

She had finally made it; she was splashing into the water, and had grabbed his arm.

"Out, get out," she moaned, pulling his arm. He allowed her to drag him towards the shore, where she collapsed, exhausted.

"Lily, what are you doing here?" he asked.

"Stopping you!" she shrieked. "Stopping you from going into the lake… from… from… what were you _thinking_?"

"I fancied a swim," he replied. He wasn't looking at her.

"At night? In your _robes_?" she asked scathingly.

He didn't reply. And she found that she wasn't sure if he was lying or not.

"You!" she raged. Now that the panic had subsided, she was angry with him. More than angry, she was furious.

"I can't _believe _you!" she screamed.

"Lily-"

"No! Don't talk to me! Don't you ever even _look _at me again! I can't believe you did that to me, I-" Then she let out a string of profanity he wouldn't have thought her capable of.

"Lily-" he tried again.

"Don't!" she shouted. "Just don't."

He watched her run back towards the castle without even a second glance.

* * *

_June 19, 1975_

That's it. He gave up. He had been desperate enough when he realized that Lily would never forgive him that he had tried to trick her into thinking that he was going to commit suicide. It was pathetic, and cruel, and he knew it. But he had been desperate to know if she really cared, to know if it was possible for her to look past their latest, and worst, argument. And she had come; she had come for him even though she was angry. She didn't want him to die. Of course this didn't mean anything. Just because she didn't want him to die, didn't mean that she wanted anything else from him.

Well, he gave up. He didn't want to care for her anymore, it made him weak. He shuddered to think of how his fellow Slytherins would think if they discovered how pathetic he had acted tonight. His own actions disgusted him. And that meant that it was better to just forget Lily. He would be better off focusing on more achievable goals. Lucius Malfoy had contacted him. He, Lucius, had been accepted into Voldemort's inner circle. He had offered to bring Snape in when he had graduated. That was one piece of good news.

But did he want to join the Death Eaters? He wasn't sure… Of course he did, he was being ridiculous. He needed to push thoughts of Lily, or any other strong emotions away.

He knew that some people had died at the hands of Voldemort, and his followers. Mostly Muggles. Who needed them anyway? It was no loss, really. Then he felt guilt wash over him. Just because they were Muggles didn't mean their lives were worthless. He remembered Lily arguing all those years ago that her Muggle sister was special. Petunia. Lily always hated it when he called Petunia 'Your Muggle sister'. But he didn't want to think about Lily right now. He was thinking about Muggles being murdered.

But just because Snape wanted to be a Death Eater, that didn't mean he'd have to kill anyone. It shouldn't take long for Voldemort to take over, and then all the killing would stop. And there were always some deaths involved with a war. And, like he'd said, most of the deaths would be Muggles. Muggles like his father. Oh, he would like to see the look on his father's face if Death Eaters showed up on his doorstep.

He thought about that for a moment. Or maybe having them show up on James Potter's doorstep. All the better. He imagined himself finally getting back at James, scaring him so strongly he cried in fear. Oh, revenge would be sweet. Maybe they'd even torture him. No, Snape didn't like that idea. Scaring him would be much more satisfying; Snape didn't particularly like to see people get tortured. He certainly didn't have a passion for it as Bellatrix Black did. That woman gave him the creeps. And people thought that he, Severus Snape, was a cold hearted freak? Oh no, this woman made him look like Mother Teresa. He suspected she had serious mental health issues.

Still, Snape wondered if he could kill someone if he had to. His father… yes he probably could. But even imagining Petunia Evans lying cold and motionless on the floor made him feel… unpleasant. He wasn't really sure what emotion it was. But he didn't like the idea.

People were going to die, but hopefully not too many, and he himself wouldn't have to participate in any killing.

And Lily would never speak to him again. He sighed heavily. Why was it that she always crept in to his mind, even when he was thinking of something as un-Lily like as Voldemort?

Snape didn't know what to do. He was tired. He'd think about it more later.

* * *

_May 3, 1977_

Lily was in love with James Potter. This time, he really was done with her. If she was with Potter, then he couldn't have anything to do with her anymore. The betrayal cut him like a white hot knife, burning at the same time.

Then again, he had continued learning everything he could about the dark arts. He hadn't really been honest with her in a long time. He supposed they hadn't really even been friends for a long time.

And this time, he was pushing her away too. Before it broke him. He was so close to becoming a Death Eater. And she was with James Potter. There really wasn't any question anymore. The last tie was severed; he and Lily had cut it together. He had whittled away at it with his dark arts, his coldness, and his lies. She had dealt the final blow with loving James Potter.

He wasn't meant to be happy. To have love. He had never really cared for anyone besides Lily; he seemed to be somehow emotionally impaired. Perhaps the reason Lily could still affect him was because he had known her before his emotions shut down. He didn't know. But it was over. He refused to open his heart to her when hers belonged to his enemy.

* * *

**A/N: What did you think of this first regular style chapter? If you could leave a review to let me know, I would really appreciate it! **

** -ElmKey**


	5. The Rise of The Dark Lord

**The Rise of the Dark Lord _(June, 1979 – November, 1980)_**

_June 23, 1979_

Snape rushed towards his apartment. The sun was bright and hot. He looked forward to entering his apartment and shutting all the blinds. He preferred the darkness. How ironic.

"Snape?" a voice asked. "Severus Snape?"

Snape spun around. "Avery?" he asked. It had been two years since he graduated. He hadn't seen his friends since the last day at Hogwarts. Lucius Malfoy had offered to bring him to Voldemort. To help him become a Death Eater. Snape had never gone. He wasn't really sure why. He had gotten a job, and spent most of his time working or experimenting with different potions.

He supposed that he didn't want to be evil. Because that's what all decent people seemed to think of Death Eaters: that they were evil.

"Where've you been?" Avery asked, moving closer.

"Around," Snape replied with a shrug.

"You never joined up… with…" he lowered his voice to a whisper, "you know."

Snape shrugged again.

"Did you see the Prophet?" Avery asked, holding the newspaper out to Snape. "This is just the beginning."

Snape glanced down at the title. He normally didn't bother with the newspaper; to be honest, he didn't really care about what was going on. The headline read: Muggle Town Destroyed – Suspected Death Eater Activity. Snape scanned the article, and then flipped through the pages to find where it continued.

As he was flipping through the pages, something caught his eye. It was a wedding announcement. 'We are pleased to announce the union of James Potter and Lily Evans…' The announcement continued after that, but he had stopped reading after he'd seen Lily's name.

He didn't know why he cared. He hadn't spoken to Lily in years. And he knew that she was in a relationship with Potter. He had sworn not to care about her anymore, and he thought he had succeeded; but then why did it feel like the bottom had dropped out of his stomach?

He had loved her, only her. There had been other women of course, but they were fleeting. He never saw the same one more than a couple times. He had never had a serious relationship with another woman. The lack of a strong emotional attachment had been a good thing, when he didn't care too strongly for them, they couldn't hurt him.

"Funny, huh?" Avery asked. Snape startled. He had forgotten Avery was there. He handed back the newspaper.

"Boring," he replied. "I really don't care about Muggle houses being burned down." He turned to leave.

"But, like I said, it's just the beginning," Avery said quickly.

"The beginning of what?" Snape asked. He really hoped Avery would leave soon; he wanted to get to his apartment.

"The beginning of the Dark Lord seizing power," Avery replied, his eyes shining.

"The Dark Lord has been seizing power for years, this is more like the middle," Snape snapped. "And if that's all, I'll be going."

"Why don't you join up, Snape?" Snape spun around to face Avery. "You're still good at potions, right? And you always knew all those spells and stuff, I'm sure the Dark Lord would welcome you to his ranks."

Snape frowned. He had already declined the offer made by Lucius Malfoy. But maybe that was because a small part of him had been hoping Lily would break it off with James, and then maybe… but he hadn't even been thinking about it very much, he hadn't realized that he still cared so much.

Lily had always brought out the decent part of him. But Lily was marrying James Potter. Why hadn't Snape joined the Death Eaters sooner? All his misgivings seemed to drop away. Destroying some Muggle towns seemed pretty harmless… and what did he care if people thought he was evil? He was evil. This was what he had been looking for, for so long.

Snape found himself nodding. He was still unsure, but if he found that it was too terrible, he could always leave…

"When and where?" he asked. Avery grinned and clapped a hand on his shoulder.

"We can go right now."

"Then let's go."

* * *

_May 4, 1980_

Snape nearly dropped the potion he was carrying. There were a bunch of people packed into the room.

"Please, let us go!" one of them cried as she caught sight of him.

He was so stunned he couldn't think of anything to say. Then they all seemed to come swarming towards him. Still in shock, he began backing up.

"Back off, scum!" called a voice. Another Death Eater waved his wand, and the people were all thrown backwards.

"What – what are they doing here?" Snape demanded.

"Muggles," the Death Eater answered, as though this explained everything. Snape followed him out of the room.

"Ah, you have the potion," Voldemort said.

"My Lord," Snape replied, holding out the cauldron.

"Is it time yet?" Bellatrix Black, no Lestrange now, asked eagerly. Her eyes were shining in anticipation of something. That woman still freaked Snape out. Why someone would marry her, he had no idea. It was obvious that the Dark Lord was her true lover; if you could call her devotion to him love. It seemed more like a kind of twisted admiration and loyalty to Snape.

"Patience was never one of your strong suits, Bella," Voldemort said almost affectionately.

Bellatrix grinned. The sight was quite disturbing. She had a way of smiling that made Snape think of some sort of monster grinning before it began to rip the flesh from your bones.

"I just wish that Cissy was here," Bellatrix said. "She would have liked this."

Whatever was planned, whatever was making Bellatrix so happy, Snape doubted would make Narcissa very happy. She wasn't nearly as disturbed as her sister.

"Narcissa is staying home right now, on bed rest," Lucius announced. Snape remembered that her baby was due soon.

The look on Bellatrix's face made it obvious that she thought being nine months pregnant was no excuse for missing out on what was planned. Snape had no doubt that the Lestranges would never have children.

"Well, I suppose we can begin," Voldemort drawled. "Come, Death Eaters."

All the people in the room got up and headed for the room that had all the Muggles in it. "What's going on?" Snape muttered to Lucius under his breath.

"Practice."

"For what?"

"The Cruciatus Curse."

Snape stopped walking. "What?" he demanded rather louder than he meant to.

"Keep your voice down," Malfoy hissed.

"What did these Muggles do to deserve it?" Snape asked.

"Do to deserve it?" Lucius asked, incredulous. "They're Muggles."

"And what exactly are we going to do with them after?" Snape asked, feeling as though his insides were going numb.

"Well, we considered sending them as a gift to Dumbledore, a bunch of Muggle corpses with bows tied around them," Lucius said with a smirk, "but the security around the school is too tight, we'd never get them in."

_Corpses_, Snape thought. They were just going to torture these people and then kill them, for no reason. He kept following the Death Eaters out of habit; he could no longer feel his feet.

They had entered the room. Unable to resist any longer, Bellatrix lifted her wand. "Crucio!" she cried gleefully. One of the Muggles began screaming and twitching on the floor. More cries of "Crucio!" echoed around the room.

Snape hadn't moved from where he had stopped after entering the room. The room was filled with screams of pain and terror, and Bellatrix's psychotic laughter.

Snape looked wildly around the room. There was an older woman crouched on the floor, holding the hand of a young man.

"It's going to be all right, love; it's going to be okay…" Snape was suddenly reminded of his mother. The woman exploded into screams as one of the Death Eaters caught her with a curse. She made him think even more of his mother now, when his father beat her…

Snape fled the room. Everyone was so intent on what they were doing, they didn't notice. He rushed to the bathroom and started being violently sick. He continued to retch long after his stomach was empty.

What had he gotten himself into? He knew that they were bad people with no qualms about hurting others, but this? He had suspected that things like this were going on, but he had never seen it. He had never looked at the terror on the faces of the people before they were tortured. And suddenly it hit him, exactly what he was helping them to do. He had been so focused on not being weak; he hadn't been paying enough attention to what was going on around him. He was just like his father.

But no more. He would find a way to change things. But who would believe that he no longer wanted a part of this life? No one would. So Snape decided he would wait, and try to get information to help the other side. Then he would approach someone from the other side, and bring the information to them. They would have to believe that he had renounced the evil ways.

* * *

_October 31, 1980_

"The boy's mother escaped with him!" Voldemort raged. "They must have been warned, and even if they weren't, someone is hiding them now!"

"We have checked with all the known Order members, my Lord," Malfoy said.

"Someone is hiding them!" Voldemort yelled. Slowly, he calmed down, and then looked thoughtful. "You knew her, Severus. Any idea where she could be?"

All eyes turned to Snape. He forced himself to use Occlumency, and absolutely not think about Lily, just in case Voldemort broke through his defenses.

"What are you hiding, Severus?" Voldemort hissed. "Why are you blocking me?"

Snape could feel Voldemort trying to break through his defenses, trying to probe his mind. "I do not like having my mind penetrated," Snape replied.

"If you have nothing to hide…" Voldemort let his voice trail away. "I ask you again, do you know where Lily Potter is?"

Snape resisted Voldemort's attempts at Legilimency again.

"Stop fighting me Severus!" Voldemort snapped. All the Death Eaters were watching the exchange between the two men with interest.

He could not think about Lily, no matter what. He could not give her away.

"Are you protecting her, Severus?" Voldemort hissed. "Yes," he announced, now addressing the entire room, "Severus fancies the mudblood."

The Death Eaters laughed. "Really, I would have expected more from you, Severus," Voldemort said. "But, if you refuse to allow me access to your mind, I shall have to force it out of you another way… Crucio!"

Snape collapsed on the floor, writhing in agony. Every nerve ending was on fire. He forced himself to continue to block his mind. He kept his jaw locked to prevent himself from crying out.

Voldemort lifted the spell and stared unsympathetically at Snape gasping on the floor.

"Tell me what you know."

"I have told you everything, my Lord, I do not know anything el-"

"Crucio!"

Again, Snape felt the burning pain take over his entire body. This time, it went on for longer. It seemed to last forever, he was biting his tongue to keep from screaming, he could taste blood in his mouth. He was in agony, he could barely breathe, his shield was slipping, he needed to hold it in place, he felt as though his skin had peeled off his body, his blood was boiling, his organs were turning to liquid, surely he would pass out soon, he welcomed it, he was going to-

Voldemort lifted the spell again. Snape didn't even have the strength to lift his head off the floor.

"Are you the traitor, Severus?" Voldemort asked.

"No, my Lord, I would never betray you," Snape muttered into the carpet.

"You are proving harder to break then I thought," Voldemort mused. Through sheer willpower Snape forced his eyes open and saw Voldemort nod to Bellatrix, they were both going to-

"Crucio!" they said together.

Death would have been kinder. Pain such as he had never imagined, would never have thought possible, was coursing through his entire body. He no longer had to resist screaming in agony, he couldn't make a sound if he'd wanted to. All his muscles had seized, he was shaking and twitching, and he wasn't sure he could hold his Occlumency shield in place. _It's no more than I deserve_, he thought. He deserved every second of pain, for everything he had done, for everything he had allowed to happen.

_I deserve this, I deserve this_ he kept repeating it in his mind over and over. He had started convulsing on the floor, the pain was unbearable, he was losing his mind, surely he would black out soon, but he continued his mantra _I deserve this, I deserve this_ until he could no longer remember why he was thinking it, until he didn't know what the words meant. He could feel his shield slipping, perhaps with his senses, he was going mad with pain, his eyes were wide open and he couldn't see, there was a horrid gagging sound coming from deep within him… and then they lifted the spell.

The pain had been overwhelming. Finally released, he barely had the strength to turn his head before he was ill all over the floor. He could dimly hear people laughing, but he didn't care, he was so exhausted, he was shaking uncontrollably.

"You deserve this punishment, Severus?" Voldemort asked, getting as close to Snape as he could without stepping in sick. "Why do you deserve it; is it because you betrayed me?"

_Not you_, Snape thought.

"You revealed information to the other side, didn't you?"

"I…did...not," Snape forced himself to answer.

"Do you wish to have us curse you again?" Voldemort asked coldly.

Snape was tempted to beg for mercy, but he would not. He was no coward. And he had to protect Lily; he owed her that, much more than that. And he did deserve all the pain he was receiving now.

"I did not warn Lily," Snape muttered into the carpet. This was true. He had warned Dumbledore. "I did not warn her," he repeated, and forced himself to meet Voldemort's eyes while concentrating on the truth of this statement.

"But then why were you hiding something from me?" Voldemort demanded, but Snape could see that Voldemort believed what he had said about not warning Lily.

"Let me just make sure that you are telling the truth." Another nod to Bellatrix. Then - "Crucio!"

Snape tried to brace himself, but there was no way to prepare for the pain that erupted inside him. His muscles seized again, his eyes rolled back into his head; his breaths came in short, irregular gasps. He couldn't think, he couldn't move, he thought he was going to die right there on the floor lying next to a puddle of sick, with Bellatrix Lestrange laughing manically over his body.

He couldn't make a sound, he was convulsing, and he thought briefly that he might vomit again. He wondered why he wasn't blacking out, someone must be stopping him from fainting, he couldn't bear the pain, he wanted to beg for someone to kill him but he couldn't make a sound. The fire must surely have destroyed his body by now, but no, his body must still be there because it was still searing in pain, maybe the fire was only in his own mind… please let it end, he couldn't stand it…

Using the very last of his strength, he allowed Voldemort restricted access to his mind. He thought only of things he had done for the dark side, showed Voldemort his memory of destroying the letter warning Lily that Voldemort was coming after her, allowed him access only to thoughts of working as a Death Eater.

All the time, the pain was there, he had surely been under the curse for hours, he was going to explode from pain, he was incapable of conscious thought, he was unaware of his surroundings, he had lost all of his senses except for the recognition of the agony-

And then it was over. He was shaking and gasping on the floor. His eyes were still rolling in their sockets. He was weak, very weak. His body still tingled with the after-effects of the curse. He didn't think he was capable even of vomiting anymore, he hadn't the strength.

"I see," Voldemort said. "You really are on our side. But I had to be certain." His eyes travelled over Snape, his expression cold and unfeeling.

Vaguely, Snape heard them leave. He remained face-down on the floor, still shuddering as though he would never be warm again. He didn't know how long he lay there before someone was shaking his shoulder.

"Wake up," a voice whispered. A woman's voice. Snape turned his head with great difficulty, and forced his eyes open. The room was blurry. Slowly, Narcissa Malfoy's face swam into view.

"Get up, you can't stay here," she hissed. He needed to get up… but his eyes drifted shut again.

"Oh for goodness sake," she muttered, and he felt her seize him by the shoulders and pull him into an upright position. He lolled listlessly, like an overgrown rag doll.

Then he was being squeezed through a tiny tube, she was bringing him with her using side-along apparation. He could feel the cold night air. Narcissa dumped him unceremoniously onto his own front stoop. Then she disapparated, and was gone.

Snape remained curled up on his doorstep for a moment, but he knew he couldn't stay there. He reached out and seized the doorframe, and pulled himself into a standing position. He pushed open the door with great difficulty, and tried to step into the house on trembling legs. They collapsed underneath him, and he was lying on the floor again.

He forced himself onto his hands and knees and began to crawl into the house far enough to close the door. Then, finally, his body had taken too much. The door swam out of focus, his eyes rolled back into his head, and he passed out on the floor.

* * *

_October 31, 1980_

"Severus! Lily gasped. He was lying on the floor, so pale his skin was nearly transparent. Lily set Harry down on the floor and rushed towards Snape.

"Oh God, don't be dead, wake up, wake up!" She began violently shaking his shoulder.

His eyes blinked open, and he was looking up at her through slightly unfocussed eyes.

"What happened to you?" she asked shrilly.

"Feeling a bit under the weather," he grunted.

"Under the weather?" she shrieked, her voice reaching a piercing shrillness that made Snape cringe. "You look like death! Where have you been, what happened to you?"

Snape willed himself not to vomit on her. She was sitting on her knees, and had pulled his upper body onto her lap.

"Just taken a bit ill," Snape said. "Nothing time won't fix." He attempted to get up. He was still trembling. Lily wrapped one arm around his waist and used the other to grip his arm opposite her tightly to keep him upright.

The room was spinning, but Snape swallowed hard and took a shaky step forward.

"Bed rest," Lily said. "I don't think you're going to make it up the stairs, the couch is closer," she said decisively.

"I can make it," Snape said. He attempted weakly to shake her off.

"Oh no," Lily replied. "I don't want you passing out again." She gripped his arm even tighter. Snape didn't argue again. He thought it best to keep his mouth shut, just in case, and also to focus all his strength into putting one foot in front of the other.

The room was still spinning dangerously, but he knew the couch was close, just a little further…

As soon as Lily released his arm, Snape collapsed onto the couch, breathing heavily.

"Where can I find blankets?" Lily asked.

Snape waved a hand at her and said, "Don't worry about it Lily."

Ignoring him, she instead said, "Accio blankets!"

A closet door burst open and blankets came zooming towards her. She unfolded one and spread it over Snape.

"Don't fuss, Lily," he mumbled. She ignored him, and began tucking the blanket around him instead.

His mind slipped away from his present situation, and back to the room with the Death Eaters. He was only semi-conscious, and couldn't see Lily frowning as he continued to mumble, "I deserve this, I deserve this…"

* * *

_November 1, 1980_

Snape blinked his eyes open. He was still feeling nauseous, but the room came clearly into focus. He felt a guilty twinge when he saw Lily asleep on the floor next to the couch, her three month old son lying a few feet from her on a cushion she had taken from the armchair.

As silently as possible, he got up and slipped his arms underneath her. He scooped her up carefully, moving her as little as possible so that she wouldn't wake up. When he reached a standing position he got an incredible head rush, and swayed dangerously for a second before it faded.

He carried Lily up the stairs, and laid her gently in his bed, pulling the blankets over her. Luckily, he had changed the sheets the night before. Then he went back downstairs towards the couch. As he went to lie down again, he caught sight of her son on the chair cushion.

With an irritable sigh, he went over and scooped up the cushion and its occupant, careful not to wake the sleeping infant. The last thing he wanted was to have a crying baby on his hands. He might have left the baby there, but he figured Lily would panic if she woke and couldn't immediately see her son.

He entered his bedroom and set the cushion down on the floor. He considered leaving the boy there on the floor, but changed his mind. He pulled a drawer out of the chest of drawers, and dumped the clothes onto the floor in the corner. He set it down and pulled out his wand. The drawer was transfigured into a small crib.

Then Snape frowned. He was unsure of how to transfer the baby from the cushion to the crib without waking him. He decided on setting the cushion in the crib. Close enough. Lily could fix it later, if she so desired.

Still weak, and now exhausted after traveling up and down the stairs twice, he collapsed back on the couch and fell asleep almost immediately.

* * *

**A/N: This is already the fifth chapter, and still no reviews :( Even if you could just drop one word (good, bad, boring, okay, etc.) just to give me an idea of what you think I would really appreciate it!**

** -ElmKey**


	6. Love and Christmas

**A/N: A huge thank you to _LM Ryder_, _Ranma's girl1_, and _Eclaire Stones_ for the reviews – they were very much appreciated! Also, thank you to everyone who added this story to their alerts/favorites :) **

**I'd also like to point out that the years are different from the books for when Voldemort attacked Lily and James (1980 instead of 1981) because I wanted it to be a year earlier, but the rest of the years should match the books. If there is a mistake, feel free to point it out. Thanks, and enjoy!**

**-ElmKey**

* * *

**Love and Christmas _(November, 1981 – December, 1981)_**

_November 28, 1981_

Lily wasn't sure what to think. Severus loved her. She had suspected as much, but here it was, in writing. She had known that he loved her when they were in school together, but had underestimated just how much. She figured that he would hate her after their experience at the lake. His rejection of her offer of friendship later had convinced her that even if he didn't hate her, he no longer loved her. But she had been wrong.

She had seen the longing in his eyes when he looked at her. She had at first thought that it was longing for their old friendship, but despite her efforts, he had resisted letting their relationship fall back into the easy camaraderie of their childhood. She had suspected that he was still angry with her for her betrayal all those years ago. He was never anything but polite, but he was very stiff and formal all the time.

Desperate, she had offered to leave, find another place to stay because he obviously could never forgive her, and she couldn't blame him. She had been surprised at the shocked look on his face. He said that she had nothing to be sorry for, that he was the one who was sorry; he thought she should be angry with him.

She remembered the words he had repeated over and over in his delirium after he had come back home her first night staying at his house. He had said he deserved it… Deserved what? The strange illness that had possessed him when he came back? Lily wasn't sure what he had been ill with; she suspected the flu. It must have been a very bad case of the flu; she feared he was dead when she first saw him lying there.

But what could he have done to deserve the flu? And the flu wasn't something that could be given as a punishment. It made no sense. He must have been talking about something else; he had been delirious, he probably had no idea what he was saying. But sometimes, she caught him looking at her with such guilt in his eyes, it made her wonder.

After their confrontation, in an effort to communicate without the awkwardness of face-to-face, she had left him a note. Things had gotten better after that. She had started talking to him as she had when they were friends, and he had slowly started to drop his formal manner, and respond in kind. Although, sometimes she still caught him staring blankly at a wall with an oddly haunted look on his face…

He blushed furiously anytime she mentioned being glad of their friendship, or greeted him enthusiastically when he came home, or in any way indicated that she cared for him. She decided to write him a note again, in hopes that he might open up to her in writing when he couldn't face-to-face. She had certainly gotten her wish!

But she didn't know what to do now. She knew it must have been hard for him to admit his feelings for her, Severus was a private man; he preferred not to share his feelings with anyone. She knew what it must have cost him to open himself up to the possible pain of rejection. She wanted to give the only response that would spare him more pain than he had already suffered. Oh yes, she knew he had suffered. He would not admit to much, he kept his feelings mostly hidden, but she had known. But still she hesitated to tell him that she loved him too.

It wasn't that she was afraid to answer him; it was not even that she didn't love him. She did. It was that she had seen his love for her in his eyes when he looked at her, and she knew that she could never love him as much as he loved her. She had loved James. She had loved James, perhaps not more, but first. And she missed him. Not a day went by that she didn't miss her husband; she couldn't look at her son and not think of the husband she'd lost.

Severus was a dear friend, but she hesitated to admit that her feelings for him were love. She didn't want to confuse gratitude with affection. It wouldn't be fair to him to say that she loved him, if it wasn't true. Not to mention, she feared her judgment was off since he was the only person besides her son that she ever saw. She sent letters to a couple of very close, trusted friends, but it wasn't the same as seeing them. She never dared tell them where she was or who she was with in case the letters fell into the wrong hands.

Lily still wasn't able to come to a decision. "I don't know what to do," she groaned out loud. Then she dropped her head onto the table with a loud thwack. "Ouch," she muttered, but made no move to lift her head off the table.

Then she heard her son calling her. "Ma, ma, ma, ma!"

She rushed up the stairs and saw Harry standing up in his crib, grinning widely with a small trickle of drool running down his face.

She went over and scooped him up, then wiped the drool from his chin. "Harry, Harry, Harry," she crooned.

"Ma, ma, ma," he responded, then grinned his babyish grin at her.

That was the one role she did not want to fail at: her role as Harry's mother. Unfortunately, she didn't think she was doing a very good job so far. He had never been socialized with anyone but her. Not even Severus. Lily never asked him to watch her son, play with him, or in any way be near him. She knew that he didn't like Harry. Her son resembled James too much. She had hoped that over time, Harry would grow on her friend, but it hadn't happened so far, and Lily was beginning to think it wouldn't. Severus never harmed Harry of course, had never even allowed harm to come to him (he had stopped Harry from toppling down the stairs once, but she suspected it had been a reflex action rather than any actual desire to keep him from harm). But he never had any desire to be near her son, and went out of his way to avoid the small boy if possible.

Lily knew it wasn't good for Harry to be only used to her, and not any other people. He had never played with another child. Lily had been so desperate to expose him to other people, she had asked Snape if he could possibly bring the young Malfoy boy over to play with her son.

She had heard that Lucius and Narcissa had a son about the same age as hers. And since the boy was too young to be talking yet, he couldn't tell anyone where he had been, and more importantly, who he'd seen. She said Severus could offer to baby-sit the little boy, and Lily would take care of him while he played with her son.

Snape had looked at her like she had done her nut.

"What kind of fool would think I would be interested in baby-sitting their child?" he had demanded incredulously.

Lily had known, really, that it couldn't work. But she felt so guilty about her son not having any friends; she knew how it felt to be lonely…

"He's too young to understand anyway," Snape had said, confused. And he really didn't get it. That was an aspect of her Snape didn't understand, couldn't understand: the part of her that was a mother. He really couldn't fathom her feeling guilty about the circumstances that were out of her control. The child was alive, maybe his childhood wasn't normal, so what? He didn't understand why that bothered her.

But he did love her. She went back downstairs, her son on her hip. She closed the baby gate behind her. Severus had gone out and gotten one for the top and bottom of the stairs after Harry nearly fell down them. The baby gates were just one of the many additions and changes he had allowed to his home in order to accommodate Lily and Harry.

And sometimes, when she was with him, all her old feelings for him from her schooldays came back. And the new feelings for him… she truly did love him. But not as much as he loved her. She couldn't love him as much as he loved her, but perhaps she could love him enough.

She picked up the quill and scrawled the few words that were necessary:

_Dear Severus_

_ I love you too._

* * *

_December 24, 1981_

It was Christmas Eve. Christmas had never been a fun affair for Snape, as it had been for most people. The Christmases of his childhood normally involved his father getting drunk (even more drunk than usual, which was quite an accomplishment) and then proceeding to tell his mother how much he hated her, how his life would have been better without her, that her son was a good-for-nothing little brat; in short, the usual. But it being Christmas, his mother wanted to try and make it special for her son, and she would get even more upset than usual at his rants (once again, quite a feat, as she sobbed hysterically at all the horrid things he said at least once a week).

His mother would scream back that he was a lazy good-for-nothing husband, that her son was his son too and he should put in more of an effort, she hated him too, etcetera. Snape usually stayed in the corner with his hands over his ears when this went on.

Eventually, his father would get drunk enough to pass out. Then his mother would cover his father with a blanket (his face too, 'so that we don't have to look at him'), and try to make it a pleasant Christmas for Snape. He would open his present (just the one, his mother had to sneak money in small amounts all year to get him a present for his birthday and Christmas). Whatever she had gotten him, he knew, would be taken away from him by his father later, as a punishment. What he was being punished for, Snape was never told; though he would receive a cuff to the side of the head if he asked.

He realized when he was older that it wasn't he who was being punished. It was his mother. She would feel guilty about her son getting his new gift taken away from him and would cry. His father enjoyed watching this display, feeling that it was her punishment for stealing money.

Eventually, his father would wake up, and after getting himself another drink, would continue shouting at his wife. Eventually their fighting would become physical.

Snape remembered one Christmas he tried stop his father from hurting his mother, but he was too small. His father tossed him aside carelessly before moving on to his mother. He forced himself to get up again. The second time, his father shoved him hard enough into the wall that he was knocked unconscious.

He woke briefly, slumped against the wall, and saw his mother on the floor with his father on top of her, his fists pummeling her. She never even drew her wand. That was something that Snape never understood. She could have stopped him if she wanted to. But she never did. Not once. Not even when his father attacked _him_.

When he finally woke again, his mother was next to him, smiling a watery smile. Her face was bruised, but she would fix that with magic later. Then she helped him to bed, covered him with a blanket and kissed him goodnight. "Severus," she had whispered, "don't try and get in your father's way again. Just let him get it out of his system." She had shushed all his arguments. "I don't mind him hitting me, but I don't want you to get hurt, sweetheart. Just… leave the room or something."

"I want to protect you, Mum," Snape had said desperately.

"You're just a boy, Severus," she replied. "It's my job to protect you. Now promise me that you won't get in your father's way again."

She had continued to brush off his protests until, with a small sigh, he had agreed. He was six at the time.

The next morning, his mother had breakfast on the table. She was smiling at his father. They would kiss (right there at the table, in front of him) and laugh and act as if everything was fine.

Once, Snape had asked his mother why she didn't leave. She had answered, "He's your father. He's my husband. I love him. And he always says he's sorry after."

So that was love. Allowing someone to scream at you and pummel you, for no reason. Snape never wanted to be in love. And he hated Christmas.

After he left home, he didn't bother with anything special for Christmas. His mother sent him an owl asking him if he wanted to come home for Christmas, for three years after he left. He always said no. She gave up after that. After she died, he felt guilty for not going when she'd asked. Who knows what his father had done to her when he hadn't been there.

However, his father died first. He joined his mother for one Christmas after his father died. It was a sorry experience. His mother had aged in his absence, more than he would have thought possible. She seemed to have lost some kind of spark, her eyes seemed almost empty. The spark had returned when she saw her son standing on her doorstep, but after that, her eyes stayed empty. Snape had thought that Christmas with his mother was even more depressing than the Christmases that he had spent alone, but later he was glad that he went. His mother died a short time later.

He would be spending this Christmas with Lily. _And her son_, came the afterthought. Lily had been living with him last Christmas too, but he dreaded Christmas enough that he didn't want to ruin it for Lily by being thoroughly depressing, so he had left for the entire forsaken day, giving her an excuse about work.

But that was before she had said (well, wrote actually) the words that he had never thought possible; she had told him that she loved him too. And so, he would spend this Christmas with the woman he loved and, unfortunately for him, the son of the man he hated. But, one can't have everything one wants, and having Lily there, and knowing she loved him, made it worth having the Potter brat there too.

"Harry just fell asleep," Lily said. Snape turned. She was standing in the doorway. He had been so lost in thought; he hadn't even heard her approach. Lily came over and sat down on the couch next to him.

"Harry's old enough to understand a bit about Christmas this year," Lily said. Harry had been only five months old last year. At a year and a half, he was able to communicate a lot more now.

"I think maybe I should start some Christmas traditions with him," Lily said. Snape nodded. He wasn't sure what to say.

"Petunia and I used to wake up bright and early on Christmas morning, and then wake our parents by jumping on their bed," Lily reminisced, a look of longing on her face. "Then we would all go downstairs for breakfast together. Mum made the same thing every year: pancakes in the shape of reindeer. Then Petunia and I got to open our presents. After that, we all went to Christmas mass (Mum was catholic) and when we got home we had turkey for lunch. In the afternoon, we would all go to Nana and Poppa's house where the whole extended family would get to be together."

"I want to start some kind of tradition with Harry," she said. "Obviously getting together with the extended family is impossible," Lily said with a small frown, "But maybe something. I don't know what." A pause. Then, "Thanks for picking up the gifts for Harry, and the turkey," she finished, smiling warmly at him.

Snape smiled back. He had had precious few reasons to smile in the last couple of years, and it still felt strange to smile, as though his face had forgotten how. But it was an almost pleasant feeling.

"What Christmas traditions did your family have?" she asked.

_Dad getting drunk, Mum and Dad fighting, Mum crying, Dad beating Mum and sometimes me? _Snape's smile faded. "We didn't really have any," he replied.

"Oh," Lily said. She was looking intently at him. He turned his face slightly away from her. He really didn't feel like having a heart-to-heart about his family. To his relief, she let the subject drop.

"On Christmas Eve, after 'Tuney and I went to bed, Mum and Dad would have a glass of wine, and talk," Lily said. "We knew, because we snuck out of bed once, determined to see if there really was a Father Christmas, or if it was really just Mum and Dad. It was strange to see them talking to each other like normal adults, instead of as parents, you know?" Lily asked. Snape didn't, but he nodded anyway. "I wonder if that was a Christmas Eve tradition for my parents…" she let her voice trail off.

"I don't know much about Christmas traditions, but I do have a bottle of wine in the kitchen," Snape offered.

Lily smiled. She knew this was hard for him. From what she knew of his childhood, it hadn't been nearly as pleasant as hers. "That would be lovely," she said.

Snape got up and went to the kitchen. The bottle of wine had been a gift from Lucius Malfoy. He had given it to Snape when he had been accepted as a Death Eater. "To celebrate," Malfoy had said.

To celebrate? Snape had no one to celebrate with. And was becoming a member of one of the darkest groups of all time really something to celebrate? Snape still had second thoughts about becoming a Death Eater, but his ambition was all he had left, so he had pushed his misgivings away.

The wine was still in his kitchen because Snape never drank alcohol. Not ever. Even when he was a teenager, he had never had so much as a sip of alcohol, not even a butterbeer, which had such a low alcohol content most wizards didn't even consider it to be alcohol. One would have to consume a great amount of it to even feel 'buzzed'.

Snape refused to drink alcohol because his father was a drunk. He had died from cirrhosis of the liver, the stupid Muggle. The red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes, the stale breath, the dependence on a substance, and most importantly, the loss of control disgusted Snape. He refused to ever be a part of that.

However, the idea of having a glass of wine with Lily was quite appealing. But he never drank alcohol. So he poured wine into one glass, cranberry juice into the other, and took the wine bottle with so that it seemed as though the wine was in both glasses.

"It might have been easier to just pour the wine here," Lily said when she saw Snape re-enter the room holding the glasses, with one hand awkwardly pointing his wand at the wine bottle floating next to him.

"Perhaps," Snape replied.

"Ah, damn hindsight," Lily said with a smirk. Snape turned sharply towards her, surprised. He hadn't heard her curse in a long time, not even a word as tame as 'damn'.

Seeing the surprise on his face, Lily laughed. "I _am_ actually capable of speaking like an adult," she said. "I'm just used to speaking to a child. Harry's my only company during the day."

Snape turned slightly away from her again. He felt incredibly guilty that she was alone with no one for company except her young son.

"Oh, I don't mind," Lily said. "Not really," she added as Snape gave her a disbelieving look.

"Please don't think I'm ungrateful," Lily said earnestly, and reached out to take his hand in both of hers. "I know that it can't have been easy to have me and Harry just show up… and it puts you in constant danger to have us here."

_No more than I deserve_, Snape thought. "I'm grateful that you're here," Snape replied. "It really hasn't been any trouble having you here." Now Lily gave him a disbelieving look. Snape held her gaze. He would not make her feel guilty, especially about something as ridiculous as putting him in danger. The idea was almost laughable.

Lily broke eye-contact first, and Snape gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. When Lily looked at him again, he was still watching her. She could see his black eyes blazing with the intensity of strong emotion.

"I really meant it you know," she whispered.

"What's that?"

"I… I'm grateful for everything you've done for us."

Snape leaned back, and Lily released his hand, the intensity of the moment gone. "I have already told you, it was nothing." Snape waved a hand carelessly.

"It meant something to me," Lily argued.

"I did not mean-"

"I know," Lily replied.

They sat in silence for a short time before Lily finally spoke, asking "So what's going on in the outside world?", which lightened the mood considerably. Snape related some of the things he had heard on his latest excursion into the 'outside world' that he thought might interest her.

Lily nodded and smiled as he talked, but he could see sadness in the depths of her green eyes. She must be incredibly lonely here by herself all the time.

"And what about Hogwarts?" Lily asked. "Do teachers not have to stay over the holidays?" she asked. He had taken the position of potions teacher at Hogwarts that September at Dumbledore, and ironically, Voldemort's insistence, though Lily didn't know about that part.

"Teachers often do stay, but Dumbledore said that he did not insist that I remained there over the holidays this year."

"Does he know that-"

"No," Snape interrupted before she could finish. "No one knows that I have company this Christmas."

"Then why do you think he told you to go home?" Lily asked.

"He did not tell me to go home; he merely suggested that I wouldn't have to stay, if I didn't want to."

"Yes, but you know Dumbledore. His suggestions are often based on some idea or notion that he has, which usually turns out to be right," Lily said.

"Well, if his notion was that I might have to curse the irksome students full of holiday cheer for causing even more mayhem than usual, he would be correct," Snape replied.

Lily laughed openly, one of the few times she had in the past year. "I still can't imagine you as a teacher, Sev; children have always irritated you, even when you were a child yourself!"

"Yes, even I can hardly imagine myself as a teacher, but the students showing up every school day reminds me that I am not actually trapped in a nightmare; it's reality." The corners of his mouth twitched as though he was going to smile, but couldn't quite do it.

Lily giggled, then blushed. She couldn't believe she had just _giggled_. Like a ridiculous schoolgirl. To cover up her embarrassment, she picked up her wineglass and took another sip.

The two of them talked happily together for hours. Snape reflected that this was probably the longest, and most comfortable, conversation that he had had with Lily since they were fifteen years old.

At some point, Snape had refilled their glasses. There had been a nervous moment when he wasn't sure how to refill his without arousing suspicion. He had turned slightly so that his body blocked her view and pretended to pour more wine into his glass, but had used a silent replenishing charm on the last of the cranberry juice instead.

They talked about unimportant things; Snape might have said they were chatting if he didn't despise the word, since it made him think of students.

"Midnight," Lily suddenly said. Snape checked the clock. It was indeed midnight.

"Perhaps I should clear up," he said, and reached forward to grab the empty glasses and bottle. Lily grabbed his hand.

"I'm sorry," she said suddenly.

Snape frowned. Perhaps she had had too much wine. He had no idea what she was talking about. "Sorry for what?" he asked.

"All those years ago. Everything that I said, and did, everything that hurt you. I… I shouldn't have done those things."

"Lily, that was years ago, it does not matter anymore."

"But it does! I really am sorry, Severus. I never wanted to lose you. I wish I had made different choices, I wish things had worked out differently. Our friendship was important to me and I'm so, so sorry that I hurt you."

Snape turned to face her directly. "I too, am sorry for everything that I said and did. I never meant to hurt you either."

Lily nodded. "Things might have worked out differently if only we had been able to communicate better back then…"

"But we are together again now," Snape said, and then cringed at this statement. What a stupid thing to say…

But Lily didn't seem to think so. She was close to him now, very close. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe, and then their lips met.

He couldn't believe it. They had hardly had a conversation that wasn't awkward with all the unsaid things hanging in the air between them. And yet, now, he had one hand in her hair, the other on the small of her back, and he was kissing her with a passion he hadn't realized he possessed.

And then her hands were fumbling with the buttons on his shirt, she was touching his bare chest, and the part of his brain capable of conscious thought seemed to shut off…

* * *

**A/N: I bet you know what I'm going to say… Reviews please? Thanks for reading,**

**-ElmKey**


	7. Family

**A/N: Thanks again to everyone for the reviews and for putting this story on alert/favorite! **

**Family _(May, 1982 – August, 1982)_**

_May 28, 1982_

Snape hissed in frustration. Lily was insisting on having the baby at home. She didn't want to risk taking a polyjuice potion because she didn't want to harm the baby. Snape had assured her, in writing, that he didn't want any harm to come to the baby either, and it was true, he didn't. But he cared more for Lily than any unborn child. If the baby had to die for Lily to live, that was the price that would have to be paid!

However, he knew Lily would not have appreciated that answer. She seemed to care for this unborn child as much as she cared for the living son she loved so dearly. Snape had been so desperate, he had even tried using her son to guilt her into using polyjuice potion.

"What about your son?" he had asked her. "What's going to happen to him if something happens to you?"

But this plan had backfired most unfortunately. She had instead somehow managed to rope him into agreeing to care for the despicable brat if she died. The said child was at the moment smearing his breakfast all over his face. Ugh. He was such a disgusting boy. Snape didn't understand what it was people found so endearing about children. Once Lily had gotten past her initial shock and reserve about being pregnant, she had gotten excited about the idea, talking about baby clothes, baby names, how adorable babies are…

He didn't find any baby to be particularly endearing. They looked like scrunched up, red little aliens when they're born, and what physical ugliness they lose as they age, they make up for with behavioral ugliness. Tantrums, messes, crying, expelling wastes at inconvenient times and locations; no, he disliked babies about as much as he disliked children, teenagers, and (he supposed) people in general.

Just then, Lily walked into the room. "Severus," she said with a smile. "You're actually here for once!"

Snape turned his face away from her, the familiar feelings of guilt washing over him. The Dark Lord was requiring him to be around more and more lately.

Lily had come over to sit next to him. "I've been hoping to see you at some point, we need to discuss names."

Snape suppressed a sigh, with difficulty. He just couldn't catch hold of the excitement that seemed to have become the focus of all her attention.

"Do you have any names in mind?" she asked him.

He pretended to think about this for a moment. "No," he replied.

"Well, I was thinking, if it's a boy, we can name him after you-"

"No!" Snape exclaimed.

Lily's eyes widened. "Well, as a middle name I mean, Harry's middle name-"

"No," Snape repeated harshly.

"Why not?" Lily asked.

"Just because my fool of a mother decided to name me _Severus_, does _not _mean that I want to curse another child with that name."

"I think Severus is a lovely name."

"No, you don't."

"Of course I do!"

"That's impossible."

"How so?"

"Because, as far as I know, you have not lost possession of your mental faculties, and no one in their right mind would think the name Severus is lovely."

"Your mother must have."

"Or it was my father's input; he probably loathed from the time I entered this world."

"I'm sure that's not true, your father didn't hate you-"

"I assure you, it's true. The feeling is mutual. Or at least, it was. He is now, thankfully, dead."

"Severus!"

"What?"

"He's your father!"

"This makes no difference to how I felt about him. He is dead now, the matter is closed."

He looked so angry that Lily let it slide. They sat next to each other in silence for a moment.

"What about Luther?" she asked. He shrugged. "Jacob?" Another shrug. "Jasper?" He shrugged again. "Brian?" A shrug. "Meathead?" she suggested irritably. He turned and raised his eyebrows at her.

"Your lack of enthusiasm is incredibly off-putting," she said, her eyes narrowed. Snape lowered his gaze and tried to think of an appropriate response. What he was really thinking was that he didn't care what she named the baby. He really, truly, couldn't bring himself to take an interest in names. He would be fine with whatever name she chose.

"I like all of them," Snape said, choosing an answer he thought was appropriate. Lily raised her eyebrows. "Except meathead," he added. This time, Lily smirked.

"What about girl names?" Lily asked.

"Lily." Snape replied automatically.

"What?" she replied.

"I like the name Lily," Snape clarified.

"Oh," Lily said, smiling. "Not as a first name though, I can see potential confusion in the future as to which Lily you're talking to."

Snape nodded. "As a middle name then." Lily looked thoughtful for a moment.

"What about a first name?" she asked.

Snape internally cringed. Would this torture never end?

"Grace?" Snape shrugged. "Alexandra?" Another shrug. "Emily?" Lily asked. He could see that she was becoming irritated with him again. "Brianna?" This time, Snape pretended to consider the name before shrugging. "Jessica?" A non-committal grunt. "Trisha?" A shrug accompanied by a non-committal grunt.

"Why don't you suggest one then?" Lily asked irritably.

"Potato arm?" he suggested, with a rare glint of amusement in his eyes.

Lily laughed. "Seriously though, what name do you like?"

"I like the name Lily," Snape replied.

"Besides that one." He shrugged. "You must like another name," she said.

"I'm not too picky with names," he said.

"Amelia?" she asked. Snape suppressed another sigh. "Kerry?" He shook his head. "Amber?" He nodded. "Really?" Lily asked. "You like the name Amber?"

"Yes," Snape replied.

"Hmmm," Lily said. "Amber." She drew the name out, as though testing it. "I'm not sure," she mused.

_Not sure?_ Snape thought. _Why did you suggest it if you didn't like it? _In truth, he didn't like the name Amber any more than any other name Lily had suggested. He had hoped that in agreeing to a name, the conversation would be over.

"What other name?" she asked. "Felicia?"

"Didn't we just agree on one?" Snape asked.

"But what if the baby's born and we decide we don't think the name suits her, or we don't like it anymore, or you meet another Amber before the baby is born and it makes you think of this other girl all the time? No, we need to pick back up names."

Snape groaned quietly. Not quietly enough apparently.

"Did you agree to the name Amber to try and end the name discussion?" Lily asked, her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"No," Snape replied quickly.

"You did, didn't you?" she asked.

Lily, I think whatever name you choose will be perfect."

"Wilma?" He frowned. Was she serious? "Betty?" She didn't wait for a response before asking, "Hannah, Jocelyn, Samantha?" in quick succession, as though hoping to surprise him into liking a name.

"Belinda, Leah, Sarah, Melissa, Miranda-" Lily broke off suddenly.

"What is it?" Snape asked.

"The baby's kicking," she said, a small smile on her face.

"Oh," Snape replied.

"I bet you could feel it now!" she said brightly, and seized his hand.

"Oh no, Lily, I really don't think-"

But she shushed him and brought his hand to rest on her abdomen anyway. His forced himself to relax his hand. "I don't feel anything," he said. He made to pull his hand away, but Lily pressed it back down.

"Wait a second," she said.

He waited. Then he could feel something. He could, indeed, feel the baby kicking.

And just like that, he felt something shift inside of him. For the first time, the baby really seemed real to him. He had known it was coming, of course, but actually feeling it move…

He felt amazed, elated, and terrified all at the same time. And then he was gripped by terror. Up until this point he had been thinking of the baby as Lily's baby. But now he was remembering what his mother had always said to his father: he's your son too… This was his baby too. And the thought terrified him.

A father was supposed to be someone who took care of you, loved you, and tried their best to do right by you. Snape had never had that luxury with his own father. He had never felt anything but fear, disgust, and loathing for his father. And what if this baby felt the same way about him? Worse still, what if he gave it a reason to? Because if this was his baby (which it was) then that meant that he was going to be a father. He couldn't imagine himself as a father. He would make a horrible father. He had no father figure to base his ideas of what a father should be on.

But he had Lily. Lily would know what to do. And he would do his best. He vowed that he would do everything in his power to do right by this child.

He looked back up at Lily, feeling overwhelmed. He wanted to communicate to her what he felt, but he didn't have the words. So he offered her the only thing he could think of.

"Lily," he whispered.

"Yes?" she replied.

"I like the name Leah."

Their eyes met, and Snape knew that she understood.

* * *

_August 28, 1982_

Snape kept a look of rapt attention on his face, but part of his mind was on Lily. He hoped she was all right. Rookwood was giving information that he had gathered from inside of the Ministry.

Suddenly, the Dark Lord held up a pale, white, long-fingered hand. There was an owl tapping on the window.

"Whose owl is that?" Voldemort asked slowly, his eyes narrowed.

Snape felt as though his lungs had turned to ice. It was his owl.

"It's mine, my Lord," Snape said, trying, and succeeding, to sound unconcerned. Inside, he was shaking. If Lily was sending his owl, there was something urgent happening that couldn't wait until he got back.

"Well?" Voldemort drawled. "Are you going to get it?" He raised his eyebrows (or where his eyebrows should have been, if he had any).

A couple of Death Eaters snickered.

Snape got up and went to the window, forcing himself not to run over. His mind was racing, but he forced it to slow down, using Occlumency as strongly as he could manage.

He pulled the owl in, took the letter, and released the owl, pocketing the letter.

The eyes of every Death Eater followed him back to his seat at the table.

"Well, Snape?" Bellatrix Lestrange asked, her voice delighted. Anything that made Snape uncomfortable made her happy. "Aren't you going to open it?"

A couple of Death Eaters snickered again. Voldemort smiled indulgently, though it didn't reach his eyes.

With fingers stiff to keep them from trembling, he opened the letter.

_Severus,_

_ I don't know where you are, but I hope this owl finds you. The baby is coming. I need you. Please come home. _

Snape read the letter, then kept his eyes moving as if he was still reading, trying to buy time. He needed to get to Lily, but how? And he knew that as soon as he finished reading, someone was going to ask him what this urgent message was.

Snape raised his eyes and glanced coolly around the table, daring anyone to try and irritate him again. Bellatrix was grinning manically, but none of the Death Eaters spoke.

"Well, Severus?" Voldemort asked. "What is so important?"

Snape's mind raced quickly. "It's from Professor Dumbledore, my Lord."

"So the mudblood lover is contacting his boy," Bellatrix teased, still grinning manically.

"What did he want?" Voldemort asked, holding out a hand to silence Bellatrix again.

"There's some emergency that he doesn't wish to put in to writing. It requires my urgent attention," Snape said, smirking as though this amused him.

"And Dumbledore trusts you enough to bring you to this emergency?" Voldemort asked, smiling. "The fool."

Snape returned the smile. It a forced smile, but no one seemed to notice. "He says that he will require my assistance for a couple of days at least, he is unsure of how long he will require my aid." Snape might as well try for as much time as he could.

"Well, we can't keep you from him, I suppose, if we want him to trust you," Voldemort mused.

"Escaping again, Snape?" Bellatrix hissed. She had never liked Snape.

"Hush Bella," Voldemort drawled.

Voldemort sat, considering his options. Snape waited with baited breath.

"Go," Voldemort said.

Snape nodded, and then leaned forward in a slight bow before apparating.

He appeared just outside Hogwarts grounds. Just in case he was followed, he had to make the lie about Dumbledore look convincing. Snape pushed open the gate, and rushed into the castle, and went straight to the headmaster's office.

After giving the password, he raced up the stairs and threw open the door.

Dumbledore was stroking his bird, Fawkes the phoenix, but he glanced up at Snape when he rushed in.

"Severus?" Dumbledore asked. "Do you have news?"

"I require a favor," Snape said. Dumbledore nodded, indicating Snape to continue speaking. "I need time. I have told the Dark Lord that I am assisting you with an emergency for a couple of days."

"And where do you intend to go instead?" Dumbledore asked.

"I… I can't tell you."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows, but didn't comment.

"Please," Snape said. "I need you to trust me."

Dumbledore looked at Snape carefully, with his signature piercing gaze, making Snape feel as though he was being X-rayed.

Dumbledore took everything in: the barely contained panic, the intensity of his black eyes, and the simple fact that Snape had lied to Lord Voldemort, something that Snape knew better than to try unless it was important.

Dumbledore inclined his head in agreement.

"Thank you," Snape said. The he rushed towards the fireplace in Dumbledore's office, grabbed some floo powder, and disappeared.

* * *

_August 28, 1982_

Lily tightened her grip on the table. Once the contraction passed, she began to pace. She had assured Severus that she was fine, and that she wasn't worried about the birth of the baby. But it wasn't true. She was terrified.

She hadn't wanted to appear frightened, and now she was paying the price for her ego. She had written a letter to Severus, but she had no idea where he was. He could be on the other side of the world for all she knew.

She wanted him to be here with her; she didn't want to have this baby alone. She paused in her pacing as she felt another contraction, and forced herself to breathe through it.

It was too soon, the baby wasn't due for another month. She had no idea where Severus was. Nothing was going the way it should, and she was barely able to contain her panic.

Lily resumed her aimless pacing, trying to keep from dissolving into hysterics.

She was wandering towards the living room when the fireplace lit up and Severus stepped out of the flames.

"You're here!" Lily cried, relieved.

"I came as soon as I could," he replied, and he rushed towards her.

"You came," she reiterated, and fell into his arms, relieved.

"Always," he replied.


	8. Leah

**A/N: Thanks again to everyone for the reviews and for putting this story on alert/favorite!**

* * *

**Leah _(August, 1982 – September, 1982)_**

_August 31, 1982_

Snape looked down at the infant he held cradled in his arms. They had named her Leah Jane. Her middle name was originally going to be Lily, but Lily had decided she didn't like the alliteration of Leah Lily. She had suggested the middle name Jane, and Snape had agreed. Leah Jane. There couldn't be a more perfect name, for a more perfect baby.

He didn't think there had ever been a baby as beautiful as Leah. Her plump pink cheeks, dark fuzzy baby hair, and tiny features that strongly mimicked Lily's were all absolutely perfect.

Lily said that the baby looked like him, but he mostly saw Lily reflected in his daughter, which suited him fine. He was particularly grateful that she had inherited Lily's cute button nose instead of his own large hooked nose that had gotten him teased throughout his life.

"Severus," Lily said, with a glint of amusement in her voice, "you do realize she can sleep in her crib? You don't actually have to hold her all the time."

He turned to see Lily smiling at him.

"I realize," he replied, but made no move to put the baby down.

"Honestly, I'm glad we're not bottle feeding her, otherwise I don't think I would ever get her away from you!" she exclaimed.

Snape smiled, a genuine smile, and looked back down at Leah. He never wanted to tear his gaze away from her. It had surprised him; he didn't think there would ever be another human being he would like looking at as much as Lily. But he continued stare closely at Leah, trying to memorize every little thing about her.

He loved his daughter, more than he would have thought possible. He loved her at least as much as Lily, and possibly more. This was slightly terrifying. He had known Lily for most of his life, and loved her nearly as long. How could he possibly love a newborn baby just as strongly after she had only just entered his life? He had wondered briefly if there was something written in Lily's genetic code that made him love her so strongly; something that she had passed on to the baby. Then he assured himself that he was being ridiculous.

He continued rocking the baby.

"Would you put her down and get some rest already?" Lily asked, still looking amused.

"I'm fine," Snape replied. He felt nervous for some reason. He was the happiest here with Lily and Leah (and, he supposed, Harry too) than he had been in his entire life. He was sure that it wouldn't last. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Surely he couldn't stay this happy; something was going to happen to ruin everything. He didn't dare set Leah down for fear that she would disappear, and it would turn out that she was just a figment of his imagination.

"Severus," Lily said with a yawn, "I'm going to sleep. I highly recommend you get some sleep too."

"Sure," Snape replied. "Just a minute." But he looked down at Leah again, and lost himself in looking down at her sweet sleeping profile.

* * *

_September 1, 1982_

"What's wrong with her?" Snape asked worriedly.

"She's a baby, Sev. Babies cry," Lily replied.

"Are you sure? Because she's been crying for a long time and-"

"I'm sure," Lily replied, looking slightly amused at his worry, though more tired than anything.

"Mummy?" a small voice asked.

Both Lily and Snape turned. Harry was standing in the doorway, rubbing his eyes.

"Why's baby crying?" he asked.

"Leah is just a bit cranky is all," Lily replied.

"Mummy?" Harry asked again.

"Yes?" Lily replied.

"Can you make baby stop crying?"

Lily smiled warmly at her son. "Sorry, love. I think Leah just needs to cry right now."

"Mummy?"

"Yes, love," Lily replied again.

"I'm thirsty."

Lily had just settled into the rocking chair with Leah. She sighed slightly, and made to get up.

"I've got it," Snape said quickly. He wanted Lily to stay as rested as possible.

"Are you sure?" Lily asked, surprised. He had never went alone with Harry voluntarily before.

"Yes," Snape replied. "Come with me," he told Harry. He left the room and headed down the stairs.

Harry looked back at his mother and at her encouraging nod, turned and followed Snape down the stairs.

"What would you like?" Snape asked when they entered the kitchen. When Harry simply stared at him, he asked, "Water? Milk?"

"Milk," Harry said.

"Milk, please," Snape corrected.

"Milk peeze," Harry said.

Snape nodded at Harry, and then fetched a plastic cup to fill with milk.

"Sevy?" Harry asked.

Snape frowned at the milk he was pouring into the cup. The child was incapable of saying his name properly.

"Yes?" Snape replied, and handed him the milk.

"Tanks," Harry said, losing his train of thought at the prospect of getting his milk, and took the cup.

"You're welcome," Snape replied.

After Harry had finished his milk, and Snape had put the cup in the sink, he headed towards the stairs again. "Time to return to bed," he said.

Harry frowned, but got up and followed Snape.

Once he reached the top of the stairs, Harry went to the room where Lily was rocking a still crying Leah. He rushed into the room to plant a kiss on his mother's cheek, and receive one in return.

"Night, Mummy," he said.

"Night, love," she replied.

"Night baby," Harry said, planting a kiss on the screaming baby's forehead too. Then he wrapped his arms around Lily's neck. "Love you, Mummy."

"I love you too, Harry," Lily replied.

Then Harry rushed towards the door, paused for a moment before throwing his arms around Snape's knees (the highest point he could reach).

"Night, Sevy," Harry mumbled into Snape's robes. Then he wandered out of the room, back towards his own room.

"Do you mind tucking him in?" Lily asked.

"No, it's fine," Snape replied, still a little shocked at the child's display of affection.

Harry was lying in his bed watching the doorway with an expectant expression. He knew someone would be coming to tuck him in.

Snape went over and pulled the covers up to Harry's chin.

"Night, Sevy," Harry said with a sleepy smile.

"Night, kid," Snape replied. He found that the nickname Sevy didn't bother him as much as it did originally. It wasn't the kid's fault, really. Then he frowned. Was he feeling… affection? For Harry? For James Potter's son? Then again, Harry was Lily's son too, he reminded himself.

No, he really didn't like the child. Perhaps, after two years, he was able to tolerate his presence, but he would never find the child likable.

Snape re-entered the room where Lily was trying to sooth the still-crying infant.

"I wish I could sing," Lily muttered. "My mother could sooth a crying baby with her singing… she had a beautiful voice."

"Why don't you try singing then?" Snape asked.

Lily grinned. "I can't sing a note; I have a dreadful voice," she replied.

"I'm sure you can't be that bad," Snape said.

"All right," Lily replied, "but you'll be sorry."

She cleared her throat and then, in a broken, warbling voice, began to sing a lullaby.

Snape stared. She was a truly dreadful singer. He found it hard to believe, he was under the impression that she was good at everything. But her off-key, pitchy voice was one that no one could deny was terrible.

"I know, I know, I have an awful voice," Lily said over Leah's cries.

"No… it wasn't…"

"You're lying," Lily said. "It's okay, Sev. It's not going to hurt my feelings. I know I can't sing." She smiled at him.

He smiled back.

"Why don't you try?" Lily suggested.

"Try what? Singing?" he asked. Lily nodded. "I really don't think that's a good idea."

"Oh come on," Lily encouraged. "You can't be any worse than me!"

Snape sighed. "Oh all right, I'll give it a shot," he muttered. Lily passed Leah to him. He carefully considered which song he wanted to sing. Then he took a deep breath, and began to sing.

Lily gazed at Snape in open-mouthed shock. He sang in a low bass, his voice soft and strong. He was singing in another language, a song from an opera. Though she didn't understand the words, she thought that she had never heard anything so beautiful. It brought tears to her eyes. And, sure enough Leah's cries softened until she had dropped off to sleep again.

Snape broke off abruptly. "Was it really that terrible?" he asked upon seeing her mouth hanging open and the tears in her eyes.

"Terrible?" Lily asked, confused. Snape drew his breath to apologize, but before he could Lily said, "That was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard!"

Snape's normally pale cheeks blushed scarlet.

"You never told me you could sing!" Lily exclaimed. Snape shrugged.

"I've only ever sang by myself, or with my Mum," he replied. "She said that I could sing, but I always assumed she only said that because she's my mum."

Lily had never heard him speak so freely about his childhood before, nor had she ever seen him look happy when mentioning something from his childhood.

"Did she teach you that song?" Lily asked.

"She loved operas. She had a lot of records with opera music. She played them almost all the time, when Dad was gone out." He frowned slightly, then his expression cleared and he continued. "We used to sing them together."

Lily smiled. "Maybe," she suggested, "we could find some of those opera records and you could teach the songs to Leah. I hope she inherited your voice!"

Snape smiled another genuine smile. "I would like that," he said.


	9. Betrayal

**A/N: Thank you to _loveislouder94 _and _Professor Radar _for their reviews!**

* * *

**Betrayal _(September, 1982)_**

_September 2, 1982_

Lily smiled down at Snape. He was finally sleeping. He hadn't slept since the day Leah was born. Finally, his face was relaxed. Even when he held Leah, or smiled at her, he never truly relaxed. Only when he was asleep did the worry lines fade from his face.

Harry was playing in his room, and Leah was asleep. It was the middle of the day, but Lily was glad Snape was sleeping. He had dark circles under his eyes.

He rolled over, and an arm slipped out from under the covers. His sleeve had rolled up over his arm, and Lily could see something on his left forearm.

"Do you have a tattoo, Severus?" Lily wondered aloud. Grinning, she crept towards the bed, and carefully climbed onto it, trying not to disturb him. She wondered briefly how she hadn't noticed it before, but she supposed it didn't really matter. She leaned closer, trying to peer at the ink at a good angle.

She stared at the tattoo. And then she recognized it for what it was. She threw herself backwards off the bed with a yelp. It was the Dark Mark. Snape had the Dark Mark tattooed on his arm.

Snape's eyes flashed open, and he pulled his arm sharply towards himself, but too late.

And even though he had just been startled awake, he knew. He had made a terrible mistake. In his exhaustion and pre-occupation he had forgotten to re-apply the concealment charm. The Dark Mark's magic was too strong for a concealment charm to last long, and it had to be re-applied regularly.

Snape threw himself out of the bed. "Lily, please!" he shouted, his eyes wide in terror. She was staring at him in open-mouthed horror, momentarily frozen. Then, before he had time to react, she pointed her wand and cried, "Petrificus Totalus!"

Snape hit the ground, stiff as a board and incapable of moving anything except his eyes. They remained wide, and searched out Lily. She had thrown herself down beside him, and shoved her face close to his, rendering him cross-eyed at first.

"You!" she screamed. "You're a… a… a Death Eater!" She was glaring at him furiously, with a rage such as he had never seen before. He stared at her, unable to respond.

"I can't believe it Severus, I can't…you… you!"

He should have told her before. He should have told Lily everything, if he had been honest with her from the beginning, then maybe… But it was too late. He couldn't explain anymore.

Lily fled the room. He tried to follow her with his eyes, but he couldn't. She returned with a confused Harry perched on her hip. Then she reached into the crib and scooped up Leah.

"Why, Severus? Was it really worth it?" Lily demanded. She glared furiously at him, tears flowing down her cheeks.

"You would really hand my son over to Voldemort?" Lily hissed. "You disgust me. I should kill you for what you almost… I hate you! Hate you!"

And with that, she turned and fled the room, leaving a quickly scrawled note on the counter; the last note she would ever leave for him.

Snape heard her leave, but was still frozen, unable to move. Unable to make a sound, despite the fact that he was screaming her name inside his head.

* * *

_September 2, 1982_

"I think you acted a bit rashly Lily."

"He's a Death Eater, Dumbledore! I saw the Dark Mark on his arm!"

"You hadn't seen it before?"

"He kept it hidden from me, the lying-"

"Lily, I believe he hid it from you because he was afraid you would react like this."

"He hid it because he's a Death Eater, and he wanted to trick me into letting him hand over my son to a murderer!"

"He had plenty of opportunity to do so during the two years you stayed with him, Lily. Why do you think he didn't?"

"I don't understand the way his mind works!"

"I am telling you, he is has been working as a double agent, he is on our side now Lily."

"Then why didn't he tell me?

"I believe he was ashamed. And afraid that you would leave if you found out that he ever was a Death Eater. He was unwilling to compromise your safety by having you get angry and leave. It was he that first warned me to hide you, James, and Harry."

"Do you think that he really cared for me Dumbledore?"

"I believe he cared more for you than even he cared to admit."

"I should have given him a chance to explain…but I was so shocked, and angry, and scared…"

"No one would blame you for wanting to protect your son Lily."

"I have to go to him, give him a chance-"

"I think it best that you don't go wandering about Lily. You almost got caught on your way here, if you recall. I will find a way to contact Severus, and send him to you."

"Thank you."

* * *

_September 3, 1982_

Lily sat in an armchair rocking Leah. She and Leah were staying with Frank and Alice Longbottom, two other members of the Order of the Phoenix. The baby had finally dropped off to sleep. If only she could sing like Severus… The thought filled her with pain. Tears filled her eyes, and she squeezed them shut to try and stop the tears from flowing.

She had jumped to the conclusion that he wished to hand Harry over to Voldemort when she saw the mark on his arm. But he had been alone with Harry the night before, and hadn't done anything. And as Dumbledore had said, there had been plenty of time for him to act long before now. She supposed it was the shock that had blinded her. And the betrayal. She had thought that they were past lying to each other. And the fact that he had kept something so important from her hurt. It had been easier, in the moment, to be angry and to storm out without listening to an explanation.

But could she forgive him at all? He was a Death Eater, whether he would hand her son over to Voldemort or not; or even whether he loved her or not. She wanted to hear his explanation and then would decide later whether she could forgive him. She thought she might. Dumbledore was going to send him…

But what if he didn't want to come? What if _he_ could not forgive _her_? Well, she wasn't sure if she could forgive him either. All she knew was that she missed him terribly.

Despite the fact that she had seen the proof that he was a Death Eater with her own eyes, she still couldn't associate the two ideas together: Severus, a Death Eater. The man who had been too shy to voice his feeling out loud? The man who had rushed home when Leah was born, when Lily needed him? The man who had held her hand through six hours of labour, and helped deliver the baby even though he looked as though he might pass out at any time? The man who had gazed at his daughter with such wonder and love? How on earth could this man be a Death Eater?

Had he come home to his family after bringing about the death of someone else's? She hadn't seen any evidence of that kind of cruelty from him the whole time she had been with him over the past two years. And even before then, she still remembered the scared, hurt little boy who had become her best friend. Even then, she had seen the good in him.

But she had seen the bad too. Hadn't that been why she refused to forgive him when they were teenagers? Still, she had seen more good in him then bad, especially recently. She still saw her best friend, and the man that she loved. The man she had been sure loved her, and Leah.

She had trusted him. Even when she had first written the letter after James was murdered, she must still have trusted him. After James had been murdered, Lily hadn't known who to turn to. She couldn't trust any of her friends. Peter was dead, and Sirius had betrayed them. Remus had been close to Sirius, and Lily couldn't be sure he wasn't involved. She needed to find someone who hadn't been a friend of both she and James, but someone who she trusted. And she had written to Severus. Even though she hadn't really thought about it at the time, she had disregarded the fact that he had been aiming towards being a Death Eater the last time she'd seen him, and trusted him with her life.

And there was her answer. She had trusted him then, and she would listen to an explanation now. Yes, he had hurt her, and yes, she was angry. But he could have handed her over to Voldemort right away if he had been a loyal Death Eater. Dumbledore said he had switched sides years ago. She wanted him to come back; she loved him despite everything.

Alice Longbottom was watching Lily sadly. She knew the other woman had suffered from some kind of devastating loss. She wondered if the baby's father had died. Poor Lily; losing her husband when her son was only a newborn, and now losing this other man when her daughter was only a newborn. Alice didn't know who the other man was, Lily refused to talk about where she had been, and Alice didn't want to press and make Lily unhappy. Or at least, she didn't want to make Lily more unhappy than she already was.

Harry and Neville were playing happily together on the floor. Lily had finally gotten her wish; Harry was able to play with another child his own age at last. In fact, the two boys were born only a couple days apart.

Alice was also happy with the arrangement. As long as Lily stayed, the two boys could be raised together, like brothers. And she enjoyed the company of another woman.

Just then, Frank burst into the room. "Alice," he said anxiously. "I just got this message at work." He was waving a piece of parchment in the air.

Alice felt her insides squeeze painfully. Something must have gone terribly wrong for her husband to look so nervous.

"It's Mother," Frank said anxiously. "Apparently she was involved in some sort of accident. They've taken her to Saint Mungo's, but they're not sure she's going to make it…" his voice trailed off and he looked imploringly at his wife.

"We'll go then," Alice said.

"No, maybe I should go alone," Frank said. "You should stay here, it's dangerous out there and-"

"Your mother is family," Alice said firmly. "Of course we're going to be there for her. Just give me a minute to pack a bag for Neville." Then she turned to Lily. "Will you be all right here alone, dear?" she asked.

"Oh of course, go," Lily said. "You can leave Neville here too, if you want."

Alice paused, considering the offer. It might be easier for her, but Lily looked exhausted. She was emotionally drained, and Alice didn't want to add to her troubles.

"It's fine," Alice said. "I can take him with me."

"Well, why don't I help you pack up then?" Lily offered. She set Leah down, and the two women packed up a bag together. Less than ten minutes later, the Longbottom's were gone.

* * *

_September 3, 1982_

"Crucio!" Bellatrix Lestrange cried again.

Frank began twitching and yelling in agony again.

"Stop, stop it!" Alice sobbed. She was restrained by magical ropes, which she continued to struggle against in vain.

"I'll stop when one of you tells me where Lily Potter is!" Bellatrix replied. "I know you're hiding her. I saw you leave, but couldn't find the house – a Fidelius Charm, correct?"

Alice didn't respond, but continued to sob hysterically.

"Mummy!" Neville cried. He was trying to reach his mother, but was unable to because he too was bound by magical ropes.

"Shut it!" Bellatrix cried, turning her wand away from Frank and towards Neville.

"No, don't!" Alice screamed. "Leave him alone you evil woman," she sobbed. "He's just a baby!"

Bellatrix paused, looking thoughtful. "Tell me where that Potter woman and her son are, or your son will be the one to pay the price," she said coldly.

"No, not Neville, no, please…" Alice's words became incomprehensible.

Bellatrix looked bored with Alice's display. "Tell me where the house is. Now."

"Just don't hurt Neville, don't…"

"Alice, no!" Frank cried.

"She's going to…" Alice's voice dissolved in a sob.

"If we tell her where Lily is, she'll kill all of us anyway!" Frank insisted. "We can't tell her!"

Bellatrix sighed. "We'll see if you feel the same way after watching your precious boy scream." She turned towards Neville again.

"No!" Alice cried. "Hurt me instead, kill me, I don't care, just leave Neville alone!"

Bellatrix turned away from Neville. "Suit yourself," she replied. "Crucio!"

This time it was Alice who began screaming and twitching.

"No! Leave her alone!" Frank cried. "She can't tell you anything. She's not the Secret Keeper, I am!"

Bellatrix turned back towards Frank at once. "Oh you're all so eager to play my little game," she said with a wide grin. "Very well then. Tell me where I can find the house. Tell me, and I'll let your pretty wife and baby go."

"Liar!" Frank yelled. "Let them go and I'll tell you."

"Now you're the liar Frankie," Bellatrix said with a fake pout. "How about you tell me the truth? Crucio!"

She lifted the spell, and then asked again, "Where is the house?"

"I'll die before I tell you!" Frank replied.

"Oh you'll die," Bellatrix said brightly. "But it will be a much more pleasant death if you first tell me where I can find the two remaining Potters."

Frank shook his head. Alice clenched her jaw tightly to keep from shouting, and looked at her son's terrified expression while wishing desperately to hold him.

* * *

_September 4, 1982_

"He's gone loopy, look," Bellatrix said. She indicated Frank, who was lying on the ground with his mouth open, drooling. He made no response to any kind of sound, not even his wife's pleading.

"Are you sure he's not faking?" Lucius Malfoy asked.

"Quite," Bellatrix replied. She kicked him in the ribs, but other than a dull grunt, he made no response.

"I've heard that torture can do this, but I've never seen it before," Malfoy said.

"Do you suppose," Narcissa suggested, "that this means he is no longer the Secret Keeper? I know that death makes everyone who has been told the location a Secret Keeper instead; do you suppose losing one's mind can work the same way?"

"An interesting idea, Cissy," Bellatrix said. "That means you can tell me now," Bellatrix addressed Alice.

Alice shook her head without uttering a word. She gazed at her husband with tears streaming down her face. Her brave, brave, husband: tortured to insanity. But he hadn't given in, and she wouldn't either.

"I'll never tell you," Alice whispered hoarsely.

"We'll see," Bellatrix replied.

* * *

_September 4, 1982_

"Another one Bella?" Voldemort asked coldly. Alice lay on the floor, with no more of a response to the outside world than her husband.

"She wouldn't break, my Lord," Bellatrix said apologetically. "I'm sorry," she collapsed at his feet.

"She looks pretty broken to me," Lucius muttered.

Voldemort ignored them both, and sidestepped Bellatrix as he approached Neville.

"The boy," Voldemort said thoughtfully. "Someone grab him, and take him to where you saw the Longbottoms appear.

Bellatrix recoiled in disgust at this request, she never even held her nephew. Lucius looked uncomfortable, but Narcissa walked over and scooped up the crying toddler. He was about the same age as her own son. Narcissa pushed the thought away.

The group of five disapparated, leaving Frank and Alice lying on the floor, unaware that the son they loved so dearly, and had wanted to protect, was gone.

* * *

_September 4, 1982_

"Now, Neville," Voldemort said. "Show me where your house is."

Narcissa set him down. The little boy just stared at these terrifying strangers, and started sobbing, "Mummy!"

"She's not here you little-" Narcissa held up a hand to stop her sister from continuing. She crouched in front of the little boy.

"Neville," she whispered, "can you show me your bedroom?"

"Mummy!" Neville continued to wail. "Mummy, Daddy!"

"They're coming soon, Neville," Narcissa lied. "They wanted you to show me your room. I bet you have a nice room, with lots of toys. Can you show us?"

Neville's bottom lip continued to tremble, but he turned and walked towards an empty hill. As he reached the top, he stopped and reached into thin air.

And then, as soon as his hand reached the doorknob, the house revealed itself to all of the people standing there. Neville started fiddling with the doorknob, unable to open it.

"What are we to do with the boy?" Bellatrix asked. Voldemort waved a hand carelessly, his entire focus on getting into the house.

"Just go!" he hissed. "Take him and go; all of you!"

Bellatrix pulled out her wand. "I've got it," she said.

"No!" Narcissa insisted.

"He has information, Cissy," Bellatrix said. "We have to kill him."

"He's just a little boy," Narcissa said. A little boy, the same age as her own son. She couldn't look at him without thinking of Draco. And she couldn't bear to watch him die.

"I'll wipe his memory, and drop him off somewhere."

Bellatrix frowned, but shrugged. "Whatever." Then she disapparated.

"See you at home," Lucius said to his wife. Narcissa nodded.

Then she turned back to Neville. "Obliviate."

She seized Neville around the waist. The boy didn't resist, his eyes were still unfocussed due to having all his recent memories erased.

She dropped him on his grandmother's front stoop (there was never anything wrong with Augusta, she had no idea of the ruse that had lured her son and his wife from their home). Then she rang the doorbell, and left before Neville's grandmother had opened the door.

* * *

**A/N: Just to clarify, Lily almost got caught leaving Severus's house for Hogwarts, so Dumbledore moved her to the Longbottom's and wanted her to stay hidden. Dumbledore did intend to find Snape for Lily, but Snape is frozen in his house right now. The protection surrounding the house made it impossible for him to be found by anyone except those who knew where it was (ie: Lily). As always, please review!**


	10. Gone

**A/N: The parts written in bold are taken directly from the books.**

* * *

**Gone _(September, 1982)_**

_September 4, 1982_

Lily had just put Harry and Leah to bed. They were next to each other, in the same crib, and Lily smiled lovingly down at them. Perhaps she should try and sleep too. Frank and Alice were supposed to have contacted her earlier, but perhaps they had forgotten. Still, it made Lily uneasy, and she probably wouldn't be able to sleep until they got back, or at least contacted her.

And then the door opened. Lily spun around, and came face to face with her worst nightmare. There was Voldemort, a triumphant expression on his face as his slitted, red eyes met her terrified green eyes.

Lily threw her arms wide in front of the crib, as though shielding her children from view would stop Voldemort from murdering them. As though, if Voldemort couldn't see them, he would kill her instead…

**"Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!" she begged. **

** "Stand aside, you silly girl…stand aside, now…" **

** "Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead-"**

** "This is my last warning-"**

** "Not Harry! Please…have mercy…have mercy…Not Harry! Not Harry! Please – I'll do anything-"**

Lily was crying. Voldemort was going to kill her and then move on to her son. She had no wand to defend them. And she couldn't see a way for any of them to get away this time.

**"Stand aside – stand aside, girl!"**

Voldemort didn't care what happened to Lily, and as of yet, didn't know Leah was there. And for a moment, Lily was tempted to take Leah from the crib. She could take Leah and flee, and Voldemort would not chase them, at least at first… But that thought only lasted a second. She loved both her children, and she wouldn't abandon her son, even if it brought her to her death, and even though she might very well be sacrificing her daughter as well…

Then Voldemort raised his wand. Lily knew there was nothing she could do. She thought only of how much she loved both Harry and Leah; she loved them more than life itself. Then there was a flash of bright green light and-

* * *

_September 4, 1982_

The woman had crumpled to the ground. The boy had stood up in his crib, and was looking down at his mother's body.

"Mummy?" he asked uncertainly.

Voldemort approached the crib, his wand at the ready. He registered surprise as he saw another baby lying next the boy. He was unaware that there was another child… but it did not matter.

He pointed his wand at the boy's face, ready to watch this elusive threat die… The stupid child was simply staring at him.

"Avada Kedavra!"

* * *

_September 4, 1982_

Snape was still lying frozen on the floor. He wasn't sure how long he had been there, although he was certain that he had seen the sun set and risen again at least once. Lily had gone, and no one else knew where he lived. No one was going to come and perform the counter-curse to free him from the full-body-bind jinx.

Snape wondered how long the effect would last; perhaps he was going to be paralyzed until he starved to death. Not that it mattered. Lily was gone. And she had taken Leah. He was alone again, and he knew there was no chance that he would ever get them back. It was over.

And then suddenly, his stiff arms dropped to the floor, his head lolled to the side, and his legs unglued themselves and broke apart. He was released from the body-bind.

He looked around, but no one was there. Perhaps the jinx could only last a certain amount of time? That, or Lily had somehow released him from the jinx…

He was suddenly gripped by panic. No, she wasn't dead, she couldn't be… How would Voldemort have found her? More importantly, how would he, Snape, find her? He had to find her, he had to…

Snape heaved himself off the floor, his sore muscles protesting, and strode to the fireplace. Grabbing some floo powder, he stepped into the fireplace and shouted "Malfoy Manor!"

He spun around until he had reached the fire place in Lucius and Narcissa's living room. He stepped out, ignoring their startled looks, and demanded: "Did he find them?"

"What are you talking about? And what on earth are you doing here?" Lucius demanded, incredulous.

"Did the Dark Lord find the Potters?" Snape demanded.

"How did you-"

"Where?" Snape interrupted, his fear mounting.

Lucius told him, and then started to ask, "But why-"

However, Snape had just disappeared.

"What was that about?" Lucius asked his wife.

Narcissa shrugged. All she cared about was that she was back at home with her son.

* * *

_September 4, 1982_

Snape rushed up the stairs. Perhaps they had gotten away; please let them have escaped…

He shoved the door open, and looked around wildly.

The first thing he saw was Harry in his crib, looking down at…

"NO!" Snape cried. He rushed forward and fell onto his knees next to Lily's lifeless body. He pulled her upper body onto his lap. Was it really only two years ago that she had done the same to him, after he had returned from being tortured by Voldemort?

"Lily," he whispered. "Lily, Lily, Lily…" He shook her gently. "Lily," he said again, his voice thick with unshed tears. "Lily." But he knew it was no good. He was too late.

He pulled her into his arms and began to rock, whispering her name over and over.

"Mummy?" Harry asked. "Wake up. Wake up, Mummy." Things had been different for Harry today, and seeing Snape, someone familiar, convinced him that everything was going to be okay again. His mother was going to get up; smiling, and she and Snape were going to take him and Leah home.

Snape looked at Harry, feeling hatred such as he hadn't felt since his Hogwarts days well up inside of him. He barley even registered the oddly shaped cut on the boy's forehead.

"She's dead!" Snape yelled. Harry startled, and then tears welled up in his eyes.

There were tears pouring down Snape's cheeks too, but he didn't notice. "She's dead you stupid brat! You got her killed! If you hadn't… she wouldn't have… She died to save you, and she's NEVER WAKING UP!"

Harry started sobbing loudly. He didn't understand why Snape was yelling at him. Any other feeling Snape had ever felt towards Harry was stripped away and replaced by hatred. Lily needn't have died; she was trying to protect her son. This Potter brat was just like his father; James had always hurt people too, and Harry was no better. Though he knew the blame lied mostly with himself, Snape hated the sobbing toddler for his part in Lily's death.

But Snape's yelling and Harry's crying had woken Leah, who also began to cry. Leah. How could he have forgotten?

After gently lowering Lily's lifeless body to the floor, Snape walked over to the crib, and lifted Leah from it. He began rocking her out of habit, and only then realized that he was crying. He hadn't cried since he was a little boy, and had forgotten what it felt like. After nearly twenty years, the floodgates had opened and tears were falling in quick succession down his pale cheeks.

"What are we going to do, Leah?" Snape sobbed. "What will we do without her?"

And then he heard the downstairs door open. Someone was coming, probably to rescue Harry. What should he do? Most people believed he was a loyal Death Eater. Looking down at Lily's motionless form on the ground, Snape wanted to get caught. He wanted to be punished; he couldn't bear knowing that Lily was gone, forever. But then he looked down at his daughter, and panic seized him. Without pausing to think about what he was doing, Snape turned on the spot, and he and his daughter vanished.

* * *

_September 4, 1982_

Snape entered the house and shut the door. Unbidden, memories of Lily waiting for him, calling hello to him, and of simply coming home to find her there washed over him.

He collapsed onto the floor, curled in the fetal position (though his upper body didn't touch his legs, as Leah was still in his arms). Tears dripped down his cheeks and his body shook with sobs.

"Lily," he moaned. He didn't want to get up. He couldn't face living without her. He couldn't breathe, he was gasping between wracking sobs. He had thought that he would never feel such pain as when Voldemort and Bellatrix had used the cruciatus curse on him. He was wrong. And once again, a cliché phrase entered his mind: Is it possible to die from a broken heart? He didn't think so, because then he'd surely be dead by now. He wanted to die too, because the pain of losing Lily was too much for him to handle.

She was dead. Lily was dead. It kept repeating itself in his head over and over. With every recitation, his breath exploded in a sob that trailed away and led to the next gasp for breath.

His own sobs were drowning out his daughter's crying. Lost in his misery, he forgot she was still there, squeezed uncomfortably in his arms. He remained there on the floor, lost in a haze of pain for a long time. For the first time in many, many years, Severus Snape cried himself to sleep.


	11. What Was Best

**A/N: To answer the question: Why did I kill Lily? The simple answer is because it didn't fit with the story, although this chapter and the next should clarify that explanation. **

* * *

**What Was Best _(September, 1982)_**

_September 5, 1982_

Snape's eyes blinked open. They felt scratchy. For a moment, he wasn't sure where he was. Then it all came crashing over him like a tidal wave. He was on the floor of his house, and Lily was dead. Lily was dead…

Then he looked down, and saw Leah lying on the floor next to him. He had fallen asleep with her in his arms. He was suddenly overwhelmed with fear. What if he had dropped her? What if he had rolled over her? How could he have put her in danger like that?

He couldn't do this; he couldn't raise Leah on his own. He might have stood a chance with Lily, but he couldn't without her… But what other choice did he have? What would happen to Leah without him? He could bring her to Dumbledore; Dumbledore might be able to find a place for her…

No. He couldn't lose Leah too. Looking down at her, she looked so like Lily. She was his last connection to Lily. And more than that, she was his daughter. She was his responsibility, and the center of his life. Without Lily, she was the only person left that he loved. He couldn't bear to lose her too.

She had started crying again. Snape wracked his brain. What should he do? What would Lily have done? Lily… Snape took a deep breath and forced his mind to clear before the grief overwhelmed him.

He should change her nappy. Yes, that probably needed to be done. He went up the stairs to where the change table was. He continued to try and focus on other things, not the fact that Lily would never walk up the stairs again…

One step at a time, to the change table… After Snape had finished changing her, Leah was still crying. But he didn't know what to do now. What did she want? He picked her up and rocked her. She was still crying. What else had Lily done?

The thought of Lily rendered him unable to think straight. He placed Leah in her crib, and lay down next to it, right there on the floor. He couldn't risk dropping her…

* * *

_September 5, 1982_

Leah was crying. She had cried for a long time before dropping off to sleep, and had woken up and begun crying again. Snape was leaning against the wall, his eyes glassy and unfocussed. The fact that Leah was crying barely registered, but as she started again he heard her.

It was like watching someone return from the dead; one moment he looked like a corpse, with his pale skin and glassy eyes, barely breathing. Then something seemed to return to his eyes and he slowly began to move.

She had been crying off and on for a long time. He wondered how long. He was a terrible father; he hadn't done anything for her. Food, she must be hungry. But Lily wasn't here…

The store. He would go to a muggle store and get baby formula. He scooped Leah into his arms and brought her to the front door where the pram sat, still folded up. After a minute of struggling to unfold it with Leah in his arms, he gave up and left with her tucked into one arm.

At the store, Snape stared at the display of various cans of formula. How on earth was someone supposed to know which one to get?

"Do you need some help, dear?" a voice asked. Snape turned to see a grey-haired woman standing behind him, smiling.

Snape hesitated, shifted the still screaming baby in his arms, then nodded. People glared at him as they walked by.

"Is this your first?" the woman asked. Snape nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

"I figured as much, you look more terrified than a criminal cornered by the police," the woman said. "Your daughter wasn't born long ago, was she?"

Snape shook his head, still not willing to speak.

"You're not one for conversation are you?" the woman asked, though she turned towards the shelf without waiting for a reply.

"Now, a baby that young will need to be fed every two hours, I trust you know that?" she said. She was still looking at the display, and didn't see Snape blanch.

Two hours? How long had it been? More than two hours for sure… He looked down at Leah as though trying to determine if she looked as though she was starving to death.

"I'd go with this one, love," the woman said, holding out a can to Snape.

"Thank you," Snape whispered hoarsely. He took the can and headed to the cash.

"Good luck, dear!" the woman called after him.

When he had shut the door of his house, Snape looked down at Leah. He could have killed her. He had been so lost he hadn't been looking after her. He couldn't raise a child, who was he kidding? He couldn't risk having Leah turn out like him; he wouldn't expose her to a father like his own. If he couldn't even handle remembering to feed her, then there was no way he could handle parenting. It was time to accept that he couldn't care for her himself. She deserved better than him, she deserved a good parent and a happy childhood. She deserved so much more than he could ever give her.

He would make the formula, and then he would find a place for her. He would find her a good home.

But as he settled down in the rocking chair to give her the bottle of formula, he looked down at her and felt the familiar surge of love and protectiveness flood through him. He couldn't lose her, he couldn't. It was selfish to keep her, he argued with himself. It wasn't what was best for her; keeping her was what he wanted. _But I can learn_, he thought to himself. He would read every parenting book, attend classes, and do everything he could.

So even though he knew it wasn't what was best for her, he found himself gripping her tightly. As soon as she finished with the bottle, he tapped a timer with his wand to go off in two hours. He was determined to make up for his mistakes.

He wandered up to his room. He was exhausted. Leah began to fuss, again. Snape felt a lick of irritation, but he let it go. Surely she was entitled to cry, especially after his neglect.

Rocking her gently, he began to sing, just as he had when Lily asked him to. He cleared his throat to dislodge the lump that had begun to form there, and continued to sing.

After she had relaxed, she looked up at him. She had the typical wide baby-blue eyes, but he could see that they were already starting to get a greenish hue. She was going to have Lily's eyes.

Now that he had stopped singing, his throat was extremely dry. He was probably dehydrated, as he hadn't drank anything for a long time. He lowered Leah on to the bed, leaving his wand next to her.

He went downstairs and got a glass of water. Then he heard it. It was the most terrible sound he had ever heard. Just after swallowing the water gratefully, he heard Leah screaming. Not crying, as he had heard so often lately, but true screaming. Screams of pain.

The glass he was holding slid from his grip and shattered on the floor. He very nearly flew up the stairs and tossed the door aside roughly. The bed was on fire. His baby was lying in the center of a bed alight with flames, screaming in agony.

Without even thinking, he reached through the flames and picked her up. Her hands and face were beginning to blister. There were tear tracks covering her smoke-stained cheeks. He didn't feel the skin on his own hands puckering from the heat of the flames.

His wand lay on the floor next to the bed. He snatched it up and doused the flames with a stream of water, then turned to Leah and healed her burns with a wave of his wand.

She continued to scream even after the burns were gone. He had left his wand sitting next to her on the bed. She must have hit it and lit the bed on fire. Another stupid, stupid, mistake. Another mistake that could have cost his daughter's life. And he knew, now, that he needed to accept the fact that she couldn't stay with him. He had to give her up, for her own safety. He had done nothing but put her in danger.

And she was only a baby now, what would happen when she got older?

And for the second time he felt as though the world was ending. His heart was breaking… he couldn't keep Leah. He was going to lose her too.

He cradled her in his arms, wishing desperately to find some way to rationalize keeping her. But he was out of options; Leah deserved a good home.

Where would he bring her? Not an orphanage, he had no guarantees that she would find a good home. And then the answer came to him. After changing her singed sleeper to the dress he had bought for her a short time ago, he apparated away before he could change his mind.

"It's not because I don't love you," he whispered to her, feeling the need to explain. Even though he knew, logically, that she couldn't understand what he was saying and wouldn't remember, he wanted her to understand. He felt the need to explain.

"It's really because I do love you," he whispered. He realized how ironic it was that he had never said those words out loud. This was the first time.

"I love you," he repeated. "That's why I have to do this. Your mother loved you too you know. She died protecting you and… She loved you, and I love you. You would have been happy, I think. But now there's only pain waiting for you with me now."

He took a deep, shuddering breath, then continued.

"She gave the ultimate sacrifice to save you. She gave her life. I think the least I could do is give up my happiness, in exchange for yours. You'll still be loved, Leah. Even though you may never know it, I will never stop loving you. And you will be loved by your new family. I want you to be happy. You'll be happy without me. It would be best, I think, if you were to forget me altogether."

At these words, he stopped, and thought for a moment that he was going to collapse to the ground under the weight of this knowledge. The knowledge that it would be best for the person he loved most in the world to forget she was ever a part of his life.

"You'll be okay," he whispered. "You'll be happy. You'll be safe."

They were nearing the castle now. Snape wanted to stop, and look at Leah for just another moment. He wanted one more chance to memorize the exact shade of her fuzzy baby hair, the length of her eyelashes, the shape of her hands curled into tiny fists. But he was afraid that if he looked, he would never look away, afraid that if he stopped now, he would never find the strength to go on.

So he didn't hesitate at all as he pushed open the gate and strode purposefully towards the front doors.

The castle was abandoned, as it was very late. He dared to take another glance at Leah. He thought that he might sing to her, one more time. He cleared his throat, and picked a song. But when he opened his mouth, no sound came out. He was unable to sing.

Swallowing hard, he rushed toward the office. He was now desperate to hand Leah over. He had to do it before he lost his strength of will.

"I love you," he reminded her, and then he pushed open the door.

* * *

**A/N: No, this is not the last of Leah's presence in the story. The next chapter will explain...**


	12. Decisions and Explanations

**A/N: Just a reminder that the parts written in bold are taken directly from the books.**

* * *

**Decisions and Explanations _(September, 1982)_**

_September 5, 1982_

"Minerva," a hoarse voice whispered.

Minerva McGonagall spun around to face the person who the voice belonged to. "Severus?" she gasped, astonished. To add to her astonishment, she found that he was thrusting a bundle of blankets towards her, as if they were burning him.

"What's this?" she demanded. Her question was answered as a tiny fist waved out from the blankets.

"A baby?" McGonagall asked, still shocked and unsure of how to respond to these strange circumstances.

"Take her," Snape demanded, still holding the bundle out towards her as though it was causing him agony where it touched his arms.

"I don't understand…" McGonagall trailed off. She was not normally one who was lost for words, but she was completely unsure of how to react. However, as Snape thrust the bundle towards her again, she did the only logical thing to do; she reached out and took the bundle from him, and held the baby close against her.

"I still don't understand," she said, tearing her gaze from the peaceful face of the sleeping infant.

"Her mother is dead," Snape said, his voice raw.

"But who-"

"That is not important," Snape interrupted. "What's important is that she needs a mother, and I trust you."

"Of course I would be willing to help you Severus-"

But Snape interrupted again, saying, "I am not asking for you to help me raise her. I am asking you to take her in, and raise her as your own."

"Why can you not raise her yourself?" McGonagall demanded.

"Do you think I'd make a suitable guardian for a little girl?" Snape demanded. Looking into his twisted, ferocious face, McGonagall couldn't help but think that the answer was no. Especially considering his former occupation… but there was also a selfish reason for her to deny her colleague's parenting abilities. She had stopped hoping for a child a long time ago, and contented herself with teaching. She hadn't allowed herself to entertain the idea for at least a decade. If he was really intending to give her the baby…

"I will take care of her. But I refuse to lie to her. Should there come a time when you are ready to take responsibility-"

But she was interrupted again; "You don't get it! This isn't about responsibility! It's about what's best for her!" Snape half-shouted, indicating the bundle clutched protectively in McGonagall's arms. "She deserves a mother who will love her. I understand that you don't want to lie to her. Fine. Tell her she was adopted. But you must never, ever, tell anyone that it was I who brought her to you. Never, Minerva!"

McGonagall looked at his blazing eyes apprehensively. She had never before been frightened of the man she had met when he first entered her classroom at eleven years old. But she found herself regarding him nervously, and turned slightly so that the bundle in her arms was not in his direct line of fire, should he draw his wand.

"You will be here, at Hogwarts. You will see her almost every day. Can you really cope with seeing her and denying that you are in any way a part of her?" McGonagall demanded.

She feared another anger-filled outburst, but instead, he seemed to visibly shrink before her eyes, broken. "It is better that she doesn't know me. I am no part of her. Do you promise me, Minerva? I will leave her with you only when you give me your word that she will never find out about me."

McGonagall looked down at the baby cradled in her arms, then back at Snape.

"You have my word," she said.

Snape nodded. Minerva McGonagall would never break her word.

"Then I ask one last favor of you," Snape said.

"What is that?" McGonagall replied.

"Might I kiss her goodbye?" He looked up at McGonagall, with tears in his black eyes. "Could I hold her one last time?"

McGonagall, remembering his earlier rage, had the momentary urge to turn away from him, and refuse to hand over the child. It vanished the second she looked into his face, etched in pain.

"Of course," she whispered, and approached him.

Tentatively, he pushed the blankets aside, and pulled the infant into his arms. He closed his eyes, and swayed. For a moment, McGonagall thought he was going to faint, and rushed forward to snatch the baby before he collapsed, but he caught himself. Then he brought his daughter to his face, and placed a kiss on her forehead, so gently she didn't even stir from her slumber.

The emotion of this scene hit McGonagall hard. In an effort to dissuade the tension, she commented, "That is a really pretty dress."

This had the opposite effect that she had hoped for. With a strangled sob, Snape thrust the baby roughly back towards McGonagall. The rough movement had woken her, and she began to cry. A look of terror crossed Snape's face, and he turned to flee from the sound that brought back so much guilt…

"Severus!" McGonagall called.

He turned back, but it looked as though invisible ropes were tugging him in the direction of the door.

"What is her name?"

Snape hesitated only a fraction of a second, his eyes coming to rest on the infant. "Leirion," he whispered. Then he turned his back on the woman and the baby she had begun to rock as a slow smile crept onto her face.

"Leirion," Snape whispered to himself as he rushed down the stairs. "From the ancient Greek…meaning Lily."

* * *

_September 5, 1982_

"How ironic that Minerva wanted a child more than anything else in the world, and someone just happened to show up with one. Don't you think, Severus?" Dumbledore said.

"I wouldn't know." Snape replied. He was shaking with the effort of keeping his emotions under control. Though his expression remained forcibly blank, his eyes betrayed him.

"I think you do know." Dumbledore countered. Snape shrugged. "Leirion certainly resembles another baby I knew…she reminds me strongly of Leah Evans."

"Evans?" Snape asked. There was no mistaking the pain in his voice.

"That was how Lily introduced her to me when she first arrived here," Dumbledore said. "She refused to tell me where she had been and who she had been with, at first. She simply told me that she had stayed with an old friend, and due to an argument that they were unable to resolve, she had left."

"Really," Snape whispered.

"I think you know who that old friend was, Severus."

"I do not."

"There is no one left to protect now, Severus. She is gone, you can admit it."

"I-don't-want-to…"

"Why not Severus?" Snape began to lose his control. The blank look was slipping off his face, revealing a face contorted in anguish.

"Who else knows?" Snape demanded. "Who else knows about Leah…Evans?"

"Only I know. Lily was put in a safe house with the Longbottoms, and as you know, they are in no state to give testament to their former houseguests anymore. I did not raise the alarm when I found her missing, because I suspected that her father might have come for her. You did, didn't you Severus?"

Snape replied with a curt nod.

"May I ask, why did you give her to Minerva? And why under a fake name?"

"I can't keep her. I didn't know who Lily had told about Leah, so I renamed her…" He tried desperately to remain in control, but his voice was shaking with the strain of holding back a sob.

"Why could you not raise her yourself?"

"I…I can't…I wouldn't be a good father." Snape turned his head away in shame.

"I think you might find that you are wrong about that, Severus."

So Snape told him, speaking in a monotone, as if he could emotionally separate himself from his own story, "I was distraught after Lily…I took Leah out of her crib, to hold her, and then I heard someone coming. I could not be seen there, as most people believed me to be a loyal Death Eater. I panicked, and apparated with Leah in my arms. I thought about bringing her to you, but I couldn't bear to lose her. She was my last connection to Lily…so I kept her. It was extraordinarily selfish of me."

"I knew that I couldn't raise her without Lily. Not when my father had been… I couldn't risk hurting her, having her turn out like me. But I was selfish. I pushed those thoughts away, and convinced myself that I could take care of Leah."

"After I arrived back home, the place was so empty without Lily…and I lost control. I was barely able to convince myself to move, I didn't eat, didn't sleep…and Leah suffered. She screamed until she became so exhausted that she dropped off to sleep, but I didn't know what to do for her. I finally dragged myself to a muggle store to buy some formula. At the store, a kindly old woman told me she had to be fed every two hours. Every two hours; she could have died."

"I should have realized then that I wasn't a suitable parent. But I was too selfish…Leah is my daughter and I didn't want to lose her. But then I left the room, just for a minute, and she had knocked my wand over. It set the bed where she lay on fire. I knew then that I couldn't keep her. She had nearly died twice in my care. I knew that Minerva would give anything for a child, and so I brought Leah to her. I had to be responsible, and do what was right for Leah, before she suffered permanent damage under my care. I told Minerva that she could never tell Leirion who her father was. That was my condition upon leaving her with Minerva. She must never, ever, tell Leirion about me." Snape's voice broke as he finished.

"Severus, I believe that in giving Leah to Minerva, you proved that you would have made a good parent," Dumbledore said thoughtfully.

"Did you not hear me Albus?" Snape demanded. "I told you, she nearly died twice while she was with me."

"Despite how much you cared, you still were willing to give her up, for her own safety. You are not selfish Severus."

"Leirion will be happy with Minerva," Snape said forcefully.

"Leah will want to know where she came from," Dumbledore replied, just as forcefully.

"I just want her to be happy," Snape said desperately.

There was a pause as both men stared at each other. Then, "I have sent Harry to live with his aunt and uncle," Dumbledore said.

Snape looked confused at the change in subject then answered, "The boy is of no concern to me." His face was still contorted in misery; he looked as though his self-control was hanging by a thread.

**"He has precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and colour of Lily Evans's eyes, I am sure?"**

**"DON'T!" bellowed Snape. "Gone…Dead…" He had lost any amount of control over himself, as he was overwhelmed by his grief. **

Dumbledore watched Snape with sympathy.

**"I wish…I wish **_**I**_** were dead…"**

**"And what use would that be to anyone?" said Dumbledore. "If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."**

**Snape seemed to peer through a haze of pain, and Dumbledore's words appeared to take a long time to reach him. **

**"What – what do you mean?"**

**"You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son."**

**"He does not need protection. The Dark Lord has gone-"**

**"-the Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger."**

**There was a long pause, and slowly Snape regained control of himself, mastered his own breathing. At last he said, "Very well. Very well. But never – never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear…especially Potter's son…I want your word!"**

**"My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?" Dumbledore sighed, looking down into Snape's ferocious, anguished face. "If you insist… **But I think that there is another reason for you to live."

"What is that?" Snape asked.

"I believe you wish to see Leah grow up? If you refuse to raise her, perhaps she should go to her aunt and uncle? Then she will be with her brother at least."

"Live with Petunia and her husband? I think not."

"You relinquished your right to her. If I was to tell Minerva who Leirion is, I'm sure she would agree to send her to live with her brother, the only family she has left-"

"Please," Snape gasped. His breathing became ragged and his face dissolved into anguish again. "Please don't take her away. She's all I have left. Please…please." He collapsed on the floor, a single tear slipping down his cheek.

"I have arranged for the ultimate protection for Harry while he remains with a blood relative of his mother," Dumbledore said. "Leah could have the same protection."

"Please," Snape begged. "She will be safe at Hogwarts too. No one knows who she is except you and I; she is of no consequence to the Dark Lord, he will not search for her. Minerva will take care of her, she will be loved, she will be happy."

"And you can watch her grow up."

"I…I…"

"I believe you wish to see Leirion McGonagall grow up."

A mingled expression of surprise, relief, and pain crossed Snape's face at Dumbledore's use of the name Leirion, but it was covered quickly by a mask. "She will be happy with Minerva. She will be happy without me."

"I did not say that she would not be happy. I said that you would wish to see her grow up. And someday, maybe you will find the strength to tell her where she came from."

"I will never tell her," Snape said. "I wish her to be happy, I cannot make her happy. But you are right…I would like to see her grow up…"

"And Harry?" Dumbledore asked. "I want to be certain that you will protect him, no matter what."

"I promised Lily," Snape remembered, his voice scarcely more than a whisper.

"You promised Lily?" Dumbledore repeated.

"I gave her my word that I would take care of her son if she… I gave her my word, and now I give my word to you. No harm will come to Lily's children. Not for as long as I am able to protect them…"

Dumbledore was lost in thought for a long time after Snape left his office. It was true that Lily did not want to say who she had been with at first, but she had confessed who she was with after a time. Dumbledore had suspected they were together for some time now…

And should he also have told Snape that Lily had forgiven him? It was the moral thing to do perhaps, and it would have been something to ease the other man's torment… But if his guilt was the thing that was holding Snape at Hogwarts and sealing Harry's protection, then Dumbledore would not tell him the truth. He had been keeping so many secrets for so long… and it was for the greater good, after all. What was one man's internal torment when compared with all the lives that could be saved?

"The greater good," Dumbledore whispered to himself. He tucked the letter into his desk and cast a charm to prevent anyone else from getting in. That drawer contained James Potter's invisibility cloak and many other magical objects he wished to keep hidden. Now it also contained the true final letter; beginning with _Dear Severus…_

* * *

_September 5, 1982_

Snape contemplated the bottle he was holding. Firewhisky. Alcohol was supposed to be able to make you forget. And he would certainly like to forget, even if it was only temporary.

He had never even drunk butterbeer before, so the Firewhisky would probably have him incoherent quickly. He opened the bottle, and remembered how he had lost both Lily and Leah. Lily was dead, and he had given Leah away. He would still see her, but it certainly wouldn't be the same.

He pictured Lily as he tipped the liquid into his mouth. It was burning his tongue. Then he could see Lily in his mind's eye, glaring accusingly at him, as she had before she left. Then he could see her as a child, crying. Only her hair wasn't red, but dark as night. He was imagining Leah.

The sound of an alarm going off startled him out of his reverie. He spat the harsh liquid onto the ground at the shock of the sound. Why was a blasted alarm going off?

Then he remembered. He had set it so that he would remember to feed Leah. Was that really only two hours ago? Snape cleaned the drink on the floor from where he had expelled it while wondering: was Minerva feeding her now?

He walked into the kitchen and shut the timer off. Then he strode purposefully over to the sink and turned the bottle of Firewhisky upside-down over it.

He remembered his father passed out on the floor. He remembered vowing to never succumb to that. Especially not if, like his father, his attention should have been focused on something more important – his family. Should he ever be lucky enough to have a family, Snape had wanted to put them first.

Lily was dead, and nothing Snape did could ever change that, or make his feelings of guilt go away. And he was not raising Leah. But Leah _was_ still alive. He hadn't lost her. She wasn't dead. He had given her a second chance at having a good life. And he would stick around and make sure she got everything she deserved. He would make sure she was taken care of, no matter how painful it was to be around her without admitting what she meant to him.

He loved Leah, and he had promised to protect her, and Harry. He wouldn't break his word. And he would make sure his daughter had the best life he could possibly give her, even though that meant he would never be a part of it.

**A/N: The scene between Snape and McGonagall was actually the first one that I wrote for this story, which is why I couldn't have Lily survive. After I wrote that scene, I thought that I should probably explain about where the baby had come from, so I wrote the letters between Severus and Lily. Then I thought I might want to explain what happened between them just a bit more clearly, and suddenly I had eleven chapters! I hope you all still like where this is leading. What did you think about Snape giving Leirion to McGonagall?**


	13. Guilt

**A/N: This one's extra long to make up for being gone for so long! To answer your question _IonicAmalgam_, the story goes to the end of the war, and I don't plan to have any large time skips. The years will follow the same as canon.**

* * *

**Guilt _(September, 1982 – October, 1984)_**

_September 6, 1982_

He finally understood. Snape had felt guilty, certainly, and tried to make up for the pain he had caused others as a Death Eater. But before losing his family, he couldn't truly comprehend what it was that he had done. Now he could.

The people that had been murdered because of him, people he hadn't tried to protect, they had felt this. This was what he had done to them. Losing Lily had made him feel a depth of pain he had never understood before. It was a terrible feeling he couldn't put into words. And there was Leah. His arms felt empty without her small weight in them. They were constantly tense, as if they were waiting to scoop her up. His arms literally ached to hold her. And so did the rest of him.

This pain that he felt was pain that he now understood. He now knew exactly what his selfish and foolish behavior had cost countless others. And he also knew that he deserved every bit of pain he was getting. This was payback for every wrong thing he had done, and no matter how terrible the pain of losing Lily and Leah was, it would never be enough to make up for the pain he had caused.

Before he had certainly felt guilty, but now he truly felt remorse for everything he had done. He really did understand, and more than anything he wished he could take it all back. But if he could, then perhaps he would never have met Lily again, and perhaps Leah would never have been born. No, maybe this was the way it was meant to be. Perhaps getting just a taste of what joy he could have had, those few short years with Lily, had to be taken away in order for him to learn this. This was what he needed in order to be punished, to understand, and to fully commit to doing what was right. Maybe he had never been committed to doing the right thing; he had only done what he needed to protect Lily. He had never truly turned his back on the dark side. And now that he had experienced the cost of what evil things did to a person, he was fully committed to doing everything he could to stop it.

There was nothing he could ever do to make his feelings of guilt go away. There was nothing he could do to make up for his actions. There was nothing he could do to bring Lily back. But with each moment he spent without them, he was getting the punishment he deserved. There was no punishment that he didn't deserve. The only thing he wanted now was to do whatever he could to prevent himself from making the same mistakes again, and to keep Leah safe. Leah didn't deserve to suffer for his mistakes.

Every time he saw her, and was forced to watch while someone else raised her, that would be his punishment. The pain he would suffer from her not knowing him would be a reminder of what he had done. The punishment would go on for as long as he lived, and that was what he deserved. Once again, he found himself muttering I deserve this, I deserve this…

Only now there was no one who listened. And frankly, even if someone did hear, there was no one who cared.

* * *

_July 7, 1983_

McGonagall was walking up and down the halls rocking Leirion. She was crying loudly despite McGonagall whispering to her in a comforting voice and walking her. The baby's face was bright red, both as a result of crying, and the fever she had.

Snape was trying to ignore them, but as McGonagall had taken to walking down the corridor outside his office, it was rather difficult. She had chosen to walk the baby in the dungeons to avoid waking as many people as possible, as there were currently no students at Hogwarts, Snape was the only one in the dungeons.

"How's she doing?" someone asked outside his office door.

"She's still feverish," McGonagall replied.

"Did you try rubbing her back?"

"Of course," McGonagall replied.

"Or walking her?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" she snapped.

"Sorry. Maybe you should try-"

"I've tried everything. She's ill, and she's going to cry," McGonagall snapped.

Perhaps they knew that it would not be good to mess with McGonagall while she was already lacking sleep from looking after an ill child, because after a few more whispered phrases, they left.

"As McGonagall passed his door again, Snape got up and opened it.

"Did you try singing to her?" he asked.

"Severus!" McGonagall gasped. "You gave me quite a fright!" Perhaps embarrassed by how she looked, or by the fact that he had startled her, McGonagall cleared her throat and said stiffly, "Sorry for waking you. I'll go somewhere else."

"Minerva!" he called.

She spun around to face him.

"Did you try singing to her? She loves…loved, she loved when someone would sing to her." Snape stood awkwardly while McGonagall considered this statement; half wishing he hadn't opened the door.

Then she turned her back on him and walked away singing a lullaby quietly. She didn't have a beautiful voice, nothing like his mother's, but she held a tune well enough. Her voice wasn't unpleasant, nor was it remarkable, but Leirion soon began to quiet down.

Listening to McGonagall singing, he was reminded of Lily trying to sing to her daughter, and how startled he had been when she couldn't sing at all. Swallowing hard, he rushed back into his office and shut the door before McGonagall could thank him.

She looked between the closed door and her daughter's face. She would always be grateful that Snape had given Leirion to her. But still, she couldn't help but wonder what kind of parent would give away their own child, especially when they were capable of looking after that child themselves.

McGonagall knew that she would never let Leirion go. She loved her, and would love her forever, despite the fact that she hadn't given birth to her. She wondered how Snape could have given away his own daughter.

Still, all she cared about was that she had Leirion now. She wondered sometimes who Leirion's birth mother had been, but she knew better than to approach Snape again after that night. Most of the time, the two teachers pretended that they had nothing in common besides their occupation. They never discussed Leirion, in any way.

Before, McGonagall had worried that Snape might change his mind, and ask for Leirion back. She wondered what she would do if that happened. She didn't think she would be able to give her back. But the adoption certificate had been signed, and now Leirion was hers, and no one could take her away from McGonagall. Sometimes McGonagall even forgot that Leirion had been Snape's daughter. Most of the time she didn't think about it.

All she knew was that Leirion was her daughter now, and always would be. She was certain that no other mother could love her daughter more than she loved Leirion.

* * *

_September 6, 1983_

Snape knelt beside the grave, and gently placed the flowers in front of the headstone.

"It's been five years now Mum," he whispered.

He leaned back and closed his eyes. He normally didn't think about his mother, but every year on the anniversary of her death he visited her grave and allowed himself to remember her. Except for last year. Last year he had missed the date in the aftermath of Lily's death. How ironic that the anniversary of the death of the two women he had loved were within days of each other.

"Sorry I missed last year," he whispered. He felt slightly ridiculous speaking to her headstone, but he found that if he voiced his thoughts about and to her once a year, he was able to keep from thinking about her too often.

He opened his eyes and kept them glued to his mother's headstone. He refused to let his eyes skirt to the side and settle on his father's grave. If it was up to him, they wouldn't have even been buried next to each other, but it was already arranged before her death.

"Mum," he said, but he found that he didn't know what else to say. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry for what he had done. He wanted to tell her that he was doing everything he could to make up for the mistakes of his past.

"Did you know you were a grandmother?" he asked. He then felt ridiculous again. There was no way for his mother to answer. He wasn't even sure he believed she could hear him.

"Your granddaughter's name was Leah. Would you have liked being a grandmother? If you were still alive, would you have been able to help me?" Snape sighed and adjusted the flowers again.

"Would you believe that I'm twenty-three years old and I still miss my mother?"

Snape squeezed his eyes shut again. He had lost everyone he had ever loved. Granted that was only three people, but perhaps that made the pain of losing them even greater than if he had loved and been loved by many. He wasn't sure. He did know that his mother and Lily were the only people that had ever loved him. And he wasn't even sure Lily loved him. He knew that she had hated him before she died. Leah would never love him, would not even know who he really was. As far as Snape was concerned, Leah had died with Lily. Now there was only Leirion, McGonagall's daughter. Though he named her for the mother she would never know, Leirion would certainly not be the child that Leah would have been.

He wouldn't even visit Lily's grave. She had been buried next to her husband, as this was the arrangement that had been made when they were married and which hadn't been changed. He wanted to see Lily's grave next to that of James Potter even less than his mother being buried next to his father.

Besides, as far as everyone else was concerned, Lily had only ever loved James. And she had only ever had one child, Harry. Snape hadn't even thought about Harry for a year. He had agreed to keep the child alive, but he had no desire to see him. The boy would be three years old now.

Everyone had changed. And everything had changed.

"I love you Mum," he whispered. "If you see Lily…" he let the thought trail away. "I hope you're at peace now."

He got up and turned his back on the grave. And as he had become so accustomed to, he pushed all thoughts of his mother, Lily, and Leah out of his mind.

* * *

_September 2, 1984_

Snape looked up from the papers he was grading at the sound of the knock at his door.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Do you have a minute?" McGonagall asked.

"Enter," Snape said as a reply.

McGonagall pushed the door open and walked in.

"Well?" Snape asked. "What is it?"

McGonagall pushed the door closed and faced him. "I was sorting through Leirion's clothes and-"

"I don't see what this has to do with me," Snape interrupted. His guard was immediately up at the mention of Leirion. It was unusual for McGonagall to speak to him with regard to Leirion. And this was the way that Snape preferred it.

"It's just that I found this." McGonagall was holding the tiny dress that Snape had bought for her just over two years ago.

"That doesn't have anything to do with me," he said stiffly. "Now if you don't mind…"

"Well, I've been holding on to it even though she outgrew it a long time ago," McGonagall continued. Snape sighed irritably, and looked back down at his papers.

"I'm not keeping it anymore." McGonagall walked up to his desk and stared at him until he finally looked up at her. "I wondered if you might like it back."

"What use would I have for an infant sized dress?" Snape snarled.

McGonagall, interpreting this statement correctly, laid the tiny dress on his desk and left, shutting the door behind her.

Snape sat and stared at the dress for a solid minute before he reached out with trembling hands to pick it up. He remembered buying it spontaneously shortly before Leah was born. He was not normally one to make spur of the moment purchases, but he had caught sight of the dress in a shop display and almost without thinking about it had returned home with the dress.

He remembered Lily smiling when he showed her, and taking photos of Leah in it. Slowly, Snape pulled open a drawer of his desk and reached inside.

He ran a finger gently over the photograph of Leah in the dress. Lily had taken this photo shortly after Leah was born. He could see his own arms rocking her in the photo.

Underneath was his favourite photo of all. It was one of Lily holding Leah. She was smiling and alternating between gazing at the infant in her arms and turning her brilliant smile to the camera. He rarely looked at these photographs. It brought back too many painful memories.

Sometimes, when he was feeling particularly self-loathing, he would hold that photograph next to the place where the Dark Mark was branded onto his arm and think: that was what he traded them for.

He placed the photographs in the drawer then picked up the dress. He brought it to his face and closed his eyes for a moment. He imagined Leah's baby scent still clung to the fabric. Then he carefully folded it and placed it in the drawer with the photographs.

* * *

_October 8, 1984_

"Oh for goodness sake Severus, I'll be back in ten minutes!" McGonagall snapped.

"Find someone else!" Snape replied.

"There is no one else around, and in the time it takes for me to find someone else I could have been back already!" McGonagall argued.

"I refuse," Snape said.

"Well too bad! I am going to deal with Mr. Morgan and Mr. Freeman, and I will be back in ten minutes," McGonagall said. Snape opened his mouth to argue again, but McGonagall cut him off to say, "I think a detention each would suffice for jinxing Mr. Heaphy, don't you?"

And with that, she shut the staff room door in Snape's protesting face.

Snape turned back to look at the pale dark-haired toddler gazing up at him with bright green eyes. With a sigh, he resigned himself to spending the next ten minutes with the little girl.

Then he sat back down at the table, pulled out the essays his sixth year potions class had handed in, and pointedly ignored Leirion, who had dropped onto her bottom and stuck her thumb in her mouth.

The following two minutes passed in silence, and Snape was just starting to relax when Leirion got up and walked unsteadily over to him.

He flinched when she grabbed his leg to steady herself, but still stubbornly refused to lift his eyes from the essay he was grading.

"Mama?" she asked. Snape continued to ignore her. "Where Mama?" she asked again.

"She'll be back soon," Snape answered through gritted teeth, without lifting his gaze from the parchment despite the fact that he was no longer reading it.

This answer seemed to satisfy her, and she dropped down onto her bottom again, mercifully releasing Snape's robes from her grip.

Another two minutes passed in silence. Then Leirion once again grabbed Snape's leg to pull herself up into a standing position. She stared intently up at him, confused that he was ignoring her when all the other teachers fussed over her constantly. Determined to get his attention, she flashed a winning smile at him. He still wasn't even looking at her. Then she tried pouting. He still hadn't even glanced at her.

Reaching up, she snagged the sleeve of his robes, and tugged. He was still determinedly ignoring her. She tried to grab the parchment his gaze was fixed so intently on, but the table was too high for her to reach it.

Leirion quickly checked the door to make sure that her mother wouldn't walk in and catch her. Then she smacked Snape's leg. He would have to look at her in order to get her in trouble! But he didn't even move, and still hadn't turned away from the parchment. After quickly checking the door again, she whacked his leg with as much force as she could muster.

When this still didn't get her a reaction from Snape, she decided to try the only thing that had gotten a response out of him the entire time she was there. "Where Mama?" she asked again. This time, he didn't respond.

She gripped his leg tightly with both hands, pushed herself onto her toes, so as to get as close to his face as possible, then asked, "Sevy?" She had heard his name before, but she was just a little girl. She couldn't pronounce it properly. But she finally got a reaction.

Snape shot out of the chair so fast it was as though he had been electrocuted. This movement caught Leirion by surprise, and she lost her balance and hit the floor with a dull thud.

Shocked, she didn't make a sound at first. Then Snape finally turned to look at her. Furious black eyes met wide green eyes, and Leirion broke into loud wails.

"Maaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" she screamed.

"No, shush," Snape said anxiously. He crouched in front of the wailing toddler, and desperately said, "Quiet, Leirion, please. Please stop crying."

If anything, her cries got even louder. Then she reached her arms out to him.

Snape wondered if he should pick her up. He didn't want to pick her up. No, he wasn't going to pick her up. But she was crying, and still reaching towards him. But he didn't want to pick her up…

He stayed crouched in front of her, indecisive. Then the door opened, revealing Professor Sprout.

"What the bloody-"

"Minerva will be back in five minutes," Snape said as he rushed past Professor Sprout, forgetting his essays on the table.

Professor Sprout watched, stunned, as Snape rounded a corner and disappeared. Leirion began to scream in earnest at that point, her face turning bright red.

"Aww, come here Leirion," she said, approaching the still wailing toddler.

Leirion held out her arms, and Professor Sprout quickly scooped her up.

When McGonagall returned, Leirion had stopped crying, and was cuddled in Professor Sprout's arms. But her face was still red and tear-stained.

"What happened?" McGonagall asked. "Where's Severus?"

"He left," Professor Sprout replied. "Honestly Minerva, why did you leave Leirion with him in the first place? He can't stand the child. He was horrid to her too; you should have heard her screaming when I came in! And then, as soon as I came in, he just left! Gracious, she'd probably be better off left with a goblin than that, that…_man_," Professor Sprout hissed. It was clear that man was not the word she would have liked to use to describe Snape.

But McGonagall had noticed the essays sitting on the table. He must have been in a hurry to have left them behind…

"It's my fault, he didn't want me to leave Leirion," McGonagall said with a sigh.

"He's awful! Honestly, not liking kids is one thing, but to just let a little girl scream like that, and not even try to do something…" Professor Sprout trailed off angrily.

McGonagall would have liked to defend Snape, but she couldn't without confessing the reason she suspected had caused the problem.

"Sevy gone, Mama," Leirion said sadly.

"Good riddance," Professor Sprout said angrily.

Leirion reached out for her mother, and was quickly transferred from one woman to the other. Then McGonagall grabbed the potions essays. "I'd better bring these back," she said with another sigh.

* * *

_October 8, 1984_

Snape was back in his office, staring blankly at a wall. He had tried not to react to Leirion, but when she had called him Sevy… That's what the boy had called him, back when Lily was still alive.

Snape closed his eyes. He needed to remain in control. He would not let her break through his defenses again. He hadn't lost control since that night in Dumbledore's office.

And yet, hearing the word Sevy had put a chip in his shield. Looking into her eyes had almost broken him again. He could never let that happen. He could not make eye contact with Leirion again until he was sure he could remain in control. Because her eyes, they were Lily's eyes. Looking into her eyes reminded him of all that he had lost.

She had caught him by surprise when she said his name, that was all. Now he was prepared, should it happen again. And he would simply avoid eye contact for as long as was necessary.

He had finally calmed down enough to resume marking. But where were the essays? Then he remembered. They were in the staff room. Would Minerva, Pomona, and Leirion still be there? Did he dare return if they were?

He was saved from having to think about it any longer by a knock on the door.

"Severus?" McGonagall asked.

"Yes?" he asked, putting as much coldness in that one word as he could. He had heard sympathy in her voice when she said his name. He didn't want sympathy. He wanted her to hate him. If she hated him, she would never be tempted to leave Leirion with him again. Everything was much simpler when everyone hated him.

"I have your essays," McGonagall replied.

Snape opened the door, carefully keeping his gaze at eye-level to prevent him from catching the eye of the toddler in her mother's arms.

"Thank you," he said, and took them from her.

"Severus, I'm sorry I upset you," McGonagall said quickly.

"What gave you the impression I was upset?" Snape asked casually.

"Well, Pomona said you left quickly, and Leirion was crying so I-"

"I was not upset. I was simply relieved that someone else could watch your brat, and I could leave before her incessant crying drove me mad," Snape said coldly. "And you might want to start teaching her not to hit." Then he shut the door in her furious face.

"I's not brat!" a voice squealed from the other side of the door.

Snape didn't stop to listen to what McGonagall would say in reply. He strode across the room, entered his bedroom, and slammed the door. He felt slightly ridiculous slamming the door like a petulant child, but it was too late, the door was already closed. Then he threw himself on the bed and checked the time. Only six o-clock. However, since he doubted he would be able to concentrate on marking again, and there was nothing else for him to do, he shut his eyes and tried to fall asleep.


	14. Potions

**Potions _(March, 1987 – May, 1987)_**

_March 14, 1987_

"What ya doin'?"

Snape looked up from the potion. Four-year-old Leirion was regarding him curiously.

"If you insist upon interrupting my work, the least you could do is speak properly," Snape said coldly.

He had gotten much better at handling Leirion since the time he had been forced to keep an eye on her by McGonagall. The sight of her didn't fill him with pain anymore. In fact, in his mind, he had separated this girl from Leah. This was Leirion, McGonagall's daughter. Even in his own mind, he never called her Leah.

"What are you doing, Professor?" Leirion corrected.

Snape nodded approvingly at her language, then offered a response: "I am brewing a potion."

"What kinda… what kind of potion is it, Professor?"

"It is an antidote."

"What is an antidote, sir?"

"A cure for the effects of a poison."

"Can I help?"

"No."

Leirion frowned. "Why?"

"Because I don't need this potion destroyed by the incompetence of a small child, and mind your tone."

Leirion's frown deepened. She didn't know what incompetence was, but she had no intention of destroying the potion. "I would be really careful." When Snape looked up at her with his eyes narrowed, she added, "Sir."

"This potion is much too complicated. If you want to try to make a potion, make one of those." Snape indicated a first year textbook.

"And if I make it perfectly, can I help you with your next potion?" Leirion asked.

Very few first years were able to create a satisfactory potion, let alone a perfect one. Snape doubted a four-year-old would even have the attention span to complete the potion; there was no way she could concentrate hard and long enough to follow all the instructions carefully. He half expected her to lose interest and leave part way through.

"If the potion is absolutely perfect, then you may assist me in brewing the next potion." _Not_ _that it's going to happen_, he thought.

Leirion broke into a wide grin. She looked so like Lily when she smiled. It was just a fleeting thought, and he pushed it away. The little girl had opened the first-year textbook, and was fetching the ingredients she needed from the student store cupboard.

Snape went back to the potion he was brewing. He glanced at Leirion occasionally, in case she added ingredients that were volatile. He didn't feel like being covered with potion that would induce all kinds of symptoms he would rather avoid. That had happened before, when an incompetent student had added an ingredient that should never be mixed with a forgetfulness potion. He turned his mind away from incompetent students, being irritated while making potions could cause him to lose concentration and make a mistake.

He glanced at Leirion. To his surprise, her brow was furrowed in concentration. She was kneeling on her chair, bent over the cauldron, and he could see her lips moving as she carefully counted the number of times she stirred the potion.

The four year old child was normally a bundle of energy, bouncing around the castle. But she was paying close attention to her potion.

This reminded Snape, he should be paying close attention to his potion, and he returned his attention to the cauldron in front of him.

"I'm finished Professor," Leirion said a short time later.

"Don't interrupt me," Snape snapped.

Leirion sat down in her chair. She knew the potions master would be displeased if she distracted him again before he was finished. So, in an effort to remain quiet and seated, she wriggled, moving everything from her toes to her eyebrows as she desperately tried to be patient.

Snape finished his potion, and then turned to Leirion.

"Will you check it over, Professor?" Leirion asked, her voice barely concealing her excitement.

Snape walked over, not expecting much. He was thankful that it didn't smell horrid, as many incorrectly brewed potions did. He stopped short as he looked into the cauldron.

Though his face remained impassive, he was shocked. Sitting in the cauldron was an absolutely perfect boil cure potion. It was a simple potion, but still, it was impressive that a four year old had made it perfectly.

"Well?" Leirion asked. "Is it good?"

"It is… perfect," Snape said hesitantly.

Leirion's face broke in to a huge grin. "What are we going to make next?"

* * *

_April 10, 1987_

Be very careful how you slice that," Snape told Leirion. "The pieces need to be even in order for the potion to work properly."

Tucking a strand of straight black hair behind her ear, Leirion picked up the knife and began cutting carefully equal pieces.

To his surprise, Snape had inadvertently discovered that Leirion had a natural ability in potion making. He found that it was actually quite helpful to have her around when brewing a complicated potion; she listened to instructions carefully and was able to help him save time when brewing.

And of course, her face glowed with the familiar smile when he asked for her assistance. She delighted in helping him, she was eager to learn everything about potion making that she possibly could.

He supposed it must be hard for her to be surrounded by magic all the time, but she was too young to do any magic herself. Technically anyways, he had heard McGonagall shouting at her for experimenting with her wand before McGonagall had woken up. Potion making was something Leirion could do without needing a wand of her own.

McGonagall was shocked to discover that one of the places her daughter was disappearing to regularly was to the office of the potions master. She was even more shocked to hear that she had been invited there willingly. If it was possible for her to be more shocked, the final touch was that her daughter was behaving well and following instructions carefully while in Snape's company.

It wasn't that Leirion's heart wasn't in the right place; the child simply had too much energy. The girl seemed to almost fluoresce with energy, the effect helped along by her appearance. Leirion loved to wear bright colours: electric blue, hot pink, neon green, anything that stands out. McGonagall allowed her to dress this way simply because it made the child easier to find; one could simply ask if anyone had seen a brightly coloured blur pass by.

Speaking of which, there went a brightly coloured blur now.

"Leirion!" McGonagall called.

Leirion spun around to face her. "Yes, Mum?" she asked. She had stopped running and was now dancing on the spot. It seemed that standing still was an impossibility for Leirion.

"I'm going into Diagon Alley this afternoon; would you still like to come with me?"

Leirion paused and looked thoughtful. Normally she was excited for any excuse to go somewhere outside the castle.

"I'm helping Professor Snape with a potion," Leirion said.

"He managed to make potions himself for many years, Leirion, I'm sure he can get along well enough for one afternoon," McGonagall said, trying to hide her amusement.

"I'm a good helper!" Leirion said happily. "But maybe I'll just tell him… Yup I'll explain about going with you and… yeah I'll go tell him then meet you!"

McGonagall shook her head with an amused smile on her face. Leirion's mind moved so fast that she often didn't even finish what she was saying before she was rushing off somewhere.

McGonagall returned to her office to collect both hers and Leirion's travelling cloaks. She had tried to convince her daughter that a nice black would do just fine, but the cloak she held was fluorescent yellow. Leirion had looked so sad in the black cloak at the store that McGonagall had relented and allowed her to get the yellow one. Of course she had been all smiles as soon as her mother had agreed.

McGonagall shook her head, but was smiling fondly. Her life had changed drastically when Leirion had come into it, but she wouldn't change anything if given the chance.

* * *

_May 26, 1987_

Snape was making a potion, while Leirion was making her own at one of the desks in the potions classroom. She enjoyed helping him, but sometimes the potions were too unstable, or too complicated for her to help him. On those occasions, she often liked to make her own from one of the textbooks. She had now moved on to third-year textbooks, because she could make all the first-year and second-year potions without any difficulty.

Leirion was humming along with the record he had playing in the background. While he normally worked in silence if there was someone else around, he listened to his mother's old records when he was alone. Leirion had wandered in with a record playing one time, and had insisted he leave it on when he went to shut it off.

"I love the music," she had said, and had begun to dance around the room.

Now he always had music playing when she was in there with him, and she had learned many of the songs as well as he knew them.

The music stopped at the end of the record, and Snape got up to fetch another one. His mother's collection mostly contained operas, but there were a number of musicals too.

"The one from Cats," Leirion requested, without looking up. Snape rolled his eyes. Leirion had seen the front cover and insisted on hearing it. Personally, the songs drove Snape mad, but Leirion loved it.

Snape kept hoping if he hid it in the storeroom, she would forget about it, but now that she knew about it she always wanted to hear it at least once a week. He knew he could refuse to play it, but he never did. It was worth tolerating the songs to see her smile.

He went back into the storeroom to search for the record, and in the silence, he heard Leirion begin to sing. She was singing a song from a Muggle musical, Les Misérables. It was Castle On A Cloud. Her voice rose and fell with the notes perfectly. She had a high sweet voice. Remarkably, she incorporated not only all the correct notes, but just enough sorrow to make it believable.

She sounded like she was on the verge of tears. Hearing her sing about a place where she could be happy and grieving for a mother she never knew, Snape could almost believe that he was hearing her sing about Lily.

It wasn't so surprising that she could sing so well, considering that she had a grandmother on both sides who could sing beautifully as well. She ended the song, holding the last sorrowful note for just the right amount of time. It was rather shocking when she called out in her usual bright voice, "Professor Snape? Did you find it yet?"

He was still standing frozen in the room. The Cats record was right in front of him. "Yes," he said through the lump in his throat. He stopped to clear his throat. "Yes, I've got it," he said more clearly.

He came back out with the record gripped tightly in his hands. Leirion was watching with a curious expression on her face.

"Are you okay, Professor?" she asked.

"Of course," he snapped. "You know I dislike this record," he said instead.

"I love it!" she shouted in a sing-song voice.

"Feel free to sing along," he muttered, scarcely audible.

Leirion must have heard him, or else she was already planning to sing along, because her voice joined those coming from the gramophone in the corner.

Snape found that he enjoyed that record much more with Leirion's voice filling the room.


	15. A Walk, A Picture, and A Birthday

**A/N: I know it has been a really long time since the last chapter was uploaded. I started back at university in September and fell way behind in my writing. Another chapter will be coming for sure in the holidays. Thanks to anyone who is still following this story!  
**

**-ElmKey**

* * *

**A Walk, A Picture, and A Birthday _(June, 1987 – August, 1987)_**

_June 11, 1987_

Snape was lying in his bed, wide awake as usual, despite the late hour. Sleep often managed to elude him. During the day, there were distractions. But during the nights, there was nothing to keep him from thinking about his past.

Suddenly he stiffened. Was there someone in the hallway? He listened carefully. He was just about to dismiss the sound when he heard it again. Someone was speaking outside his door.

He got out of bed and pulled a cloak on. Whatever students were outside his door would pay the price in detentions. Why on earth would they have a conversation right outside a professor's door?

Snape threw the door open, ready to give them the fright of their lives. "What do you think you're…" he trailed off. Standing outside his door was Leirion. Her eyes were open, but staring blankly.

"Leirion?" he asked.

"No one is coming," she said hoarsely, in a voice quite unlike her own.

"What do you mean?" he demanded. "Who should be coming?"

"They leave me here, alone and weak… so weak…" She turned and walked away and right into a wall.

"Leirion!" Snape gasped, but she turned and continued to walk away without responding. She hadn't even flinched when she walked into the wall.

He rushed past her and spun around to face her. Her wide eyes stared right through him. She was asleep. He wasn't sure what to do when someone was sleepwalking, but he thought he remembered hearing that it wasn't a good idea to wake the person.

"Leirion," he said. "Leirion, it's night time. It's time for you to go back to bed."

She made no response, but kept walking. He reached out and took her small hand into his own.

"Come on," he said. "Back to bed."

She didn't resist, and followed him back up to McGonagall's office docilely. He reached out and knocked on the door.

McGonagall opened the door. "Severus? Leirion?" she frowned. "Leirion what are you doing up?"

"She was sleepwalking in the dungeons," Snape replied.

"Oh no, not again," McGonagall sighed.

"This has happened before?" Snape asked.

"Yes, all the time," McGonagall replied. "I normally wake up, but sometimes she leaves so quietly. I suppose I'll have to put a lock on the door, or at least set an alarm to go off. Well, thank you for bringing her back, Severus"

Snape nodded.

"Come here love, time to go back to bed," she said, and took Leirion's hand. Snape opened his own hand, and felt Leirion's slip out of his grasp.

He watched as McGonagall led Leirion back into her bedroom with his hand still open, as if he was waiting to take Leirion's into his own again.

* * *

_July 1, 1987_

"Leirion, stay on the path!" Snape called. He had agreed to take her with him into the forest to look for potions ingredients. He had been wary, but Leirion had been in the forest with Hagrid before. She had never gone as deep as he intended to go before, but as long as she stayed close it would be fine. What he had forgotten to take into account was the fact that she seemed to have an endless amount of energy and was constantly running ahead and then back to him.

"Professor Snape?" Leirion asked. "Is it much further now?"

"There's still a ways to go. Now hush, I don't want to hear you complaining the whole way."

"I wasn't complaining. I was just asking if we were close." Snape narrowed his eyes at her.

"You don't scare me," she said, and turned to rush ahead again.

He might have gotten her in trouble for giving him cheek like that if he hadn't been so surprised. His glare had silenced, chastised, and terrified plenty of students over the past couple of years that he had been teaching. He had even reduced a couple of girls to tears. Leirion's obvious lack of worry was quite a change from the usual reaction.

"Hey, Professor Snape!" Leirion called again.

"What is it now?" he asked irritably.

"I think I see a unicorn!" she called, and then took off running into the trees.

"LEIRION!" he shouted. "I told you to stay on the path! Get back here!" He took off in the direction she had gone. Being much larger, he was crashing through branches that she had managed to squeeze under and around much quicker than he could.

He paused, unsure. She couldn't have gotten very far. "Leirion?" he asked into the silent trees. Silence was definitely not a good sign. He should be able to hear her making her way through the trees. Silence meant she wasn't moving.

"Leirion!" he called again, feeling panic taking over. "Leirion, where are you?"

"I fell down," came the reply from somewhere to his right. He rushed in that direction, and sure enough, there was Leirion at the bottom of a pit.

"How did you get down there?" Snape demanded.

"I fell down," she repeated.

"Well come back up," he snapped. Now that his panic had subsided, he was incredibly irritated with her foolishness.

"I'm stuck," she replied. To demonstrate, she attempted to climb up the walls of the pit, but continued to slide down the steep slope.

"Great Merlin," he muttered. "Give me your hands," he said, reaching down into the pit. He seized both her wrists and heaved her out of the pit.

"Leirion, I told you to stay on the path! You cannot ever disobey me again! It was a foolish thing to do!" His fear was now giving way to anger. Many far worse things could have happened to her in the forest than falling in a pit.

"I know, I'm sorry," she said.

"Snape grabbed her roughly by both her arms and squeezed tightly, leaning in close to her face. "Do you realize what could have happened to you! Do you not understand that when I tell you to stay on the path it is for a reason! There are many dangers in this forest, and you can never, ever do that again! Do you understand me?"

Tears had started to fill Leirion's eyes. "Ouch, Professor, you're hurting me," she whined, trying to twist away from his grip.

His hands squeezed her arms even tighter, and he shook her slightly as he tried to make her understand. "You cannot go off the path! You need to listen, Leirion, you cannot wander into the forest yourself!"

"I'm sorry!" she cried. Her green eyes were wide with terror.

Suddenly realizing what he was doing, he released her arms. She had lost her balance and tumbled to the ground. Sitting up, she began rubbing her arms where he had grabbed her.

"Ouch," she whispered.

Seeing her there on the ground with tears in her eyes and rubbing her arms brought the all too familiar feelings of guilt crashing down on him. He had managed to frighten her now.

"No, I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't have… you scared me Leirion. You scared me when you disappeared." He reached forward to pull her off the ground, half expecting her to flinch away.

Instead she held her arms up to take his shoulders as he pulled her right off the ground into his arms.

"I'll listen now, Professor," Leirion mumbled into his shoulder. "Promise."

Snape carried her out through the trees and back to the path. Then he set her back down on the ground and took her hand in his.

"I think we should stick together now," he said. Leirion smiled back up at him.

"Let's sing a song to pass the time," Leirion suggested, over the shock of falling into the pit and her fear at Snape's angry reaction quickly. She hummed a few lines from one of the opera records he had played while they made potions. "I know," she said. "I'll sing the girl part, and you sing the boy part." Without waiting for a response, she launched into the song. Once again, she sang the song perfectly.

Just as she suggested, he joined the song to sing the bass line.

"You're pretty good, Professor," Leirion said to him when they finished the song.

"I think you're pretty good too," he replied, smiling down at her. She grinned widely back at him.

"I love singing," she said. "Doesn't it just make you feel…" Unable to come up with a good descriptive word, she shrugged and launched into another song.

When they arrived at the place, Snape found the plant they were looking for and showed Leirion. "Make sure you only collect this one," he said. "Others could hurt your hands, or make them itchy. It's very important."

Leirion nodded seriously and began to scour the area for the plant they were looking for. "It's pretty dark here," she said nervously. "It's kind of scary."

"I hope you're not too frightened," Snape replied. "I won't let anything hurt you," he assured her.

"I trust you," she said brightly, with the pure innocence of a child who has never had any reason to doubt placing her trust in anyone.

Once they had collected as much of the plant as Snape wanted, he took Leirion's hand again for the walk back to Hogwarts. Walking with Leirion's hand held in his, with the silence broken by occasional songs, made Snape happier than he had been in a long time.

And that was when he should have realized something was wrong.

* * *

_July 13, 1987_

Snape was sitting at his desk marking essays. Without knocking, Leirion burst into the room.

"Professor Snape!" she called, skidding to a halt at his desk.

He didn't respond, and continued to mark the essays.

"Professor Snape?" she asked hesitantly. She stood and watched him for a few moments longer before she realized what was going on. She spun around and raced back over to the door, and began beating it with both her fists.

"Yes?" Snape asked.

"May I come in?" she asked.

"Of course," he replied. "And might I add that it is quite pleasant when you use your manners."

She rolled her eyes in response, but skipped over to his desk anyway.

"Look," she said, holding out a piece of parchment. "I made this for you."

Snape reached out and took the parchment from her. Leirion had dragged a stool over to stand on so that she could see over his shoulder.

"That's you there," she informed him, pointing to a design that rather looked like a man with black hair wearing black robes.

"And that there is me," she said, this time indicating the smaller person, wearing a bright pink dress.

"We're making a potion," she said. "See, that's the cauldron there. Do you like it?" she asked.

Did he like it? The picture was quite unfortunate, but considering Leirion was not yet five, it was not unexpected. However, looking at the rather badly drawn imitation of himself and Leirion, he found that he did like it. He liked it rather a lot.

"Yes," he said simply. "I like it."

Good," Leirion replied. "Will you hang it up? Will you put it up in your office so you can see it all the time?"

"That," Snape said, "sounds like a good idea."

Leirion hopped off the stool and followed him into his office, jumping straight up into the air every couple of seconds.

"Calm down," he said automatically. Leirion took to hopping from one foot to the other instead.

Unlike the other teachers at Hogwarts, the walls of Snape's office were mostly bare, except for some specimens he used for potion making. Casting a sticking charm on the back of the picture, he hung it in the place of honour – right in front of his desk. That way, as Leirion had put it, he could look at it all the time.

"I even wrote it without any help," Leirion piped up.

Sure enough, the line at the bottom of the page read: Too Profeser Snap, Frum Leirion McGonagall

"Very nice," he said. "My office looks much better now."

Leirion smiled brightly at him. "I thought I might run out of room, because my name is so long! But it just fit." A pause. Then, "Can I make a potion?"

"I'm certain you're capable, however-"

"May I!" Leirion interrupted. "You knew what I meant."

"Perhaps I did not; as your syntax suggested that you were asking me if I thought you capable-"

"May I please make a potion!" she interrupted. Snape nodded, and she tore out of the room. He paused to examine the picture. Leah would have been a much easier, and shorter, name to spell than Leirion. He pushed that thought away, angry with himself for letting it intrude into his consciousness. He left the room quickly, before any other similar thoughts caught him unawares.

* * *

_August 29, 1987_

Snape was sitting in the corner of the room, wishing he was back in his office. He despised parties. However, McGonagall insisted that the entire Hogwarts staff was present for Leirion's birthday party, so there he was, sitting in the corner hoping no one would try and strike up a conversation. He despised small talk as well.

Leirion had been opening her birthday gifts. She had now received many different toys and sweets, and a small pile of cards sat on the table next to her.

"Professor Snape is next," McGonagall said.

Snape reluctantly left his seat in the corner to hand Leirion her gift from him. He turned and swept back over to the corner to sulk out of sight while she opened it.

"Advanced Potion Making," Leirion read carefully.

"Only Severus would give a five-year-old a textbook," he heard someone mutter.

"Do you really think I can make advanced potions now?" Leirion asked him.

"Yes," Snape replied. "You're ready."

To everyone's surprise, Leirion leapt off her chair and launched herself at Snape. She threw her arms around his waist.

"Thank you," she said.

"You're welcome," he replied. He awkwardly patted her back until she released him. In that moment, with her arms wrapped around him, he thought of the life that he could have had with her if Lily hadn't died. Despite all the effort he put into ignoring all the memories, and to prevent himself from thinking about the 'what-ifs' his mind was captured by thoughts of what his life could have been like.

He imagined having Leirion's birthday party at his own house. Lily would have made a cake for her, not McGonagall. The picture hanging in his office would read: To Daddy, from Leah. Leirion would never call him Daddy. He was not Leirion's father, not as far as she knew.

She then let go and leapt back onto her chair, sending it skidding backwards slightly from the force she had hit it with.

Snape was jolted back to reality. He wished he could melt into the wall behind him with everyone's eyes on him.

"Well, Pomona is next," McGonagall said. Thankfully, everyone's attention returned to Leirion. She was five years old now. It had been nearly five years since he had lost everything.


	16. Empathy

**Empathy **_**(September, 1987)**_

_September 14, 1987_

Snape hurried back to the potions classroom. He had left Leirion in there. He hadn't been gone for long, just long enough to have a discussion with Professor Sprout regarding the behavior of a Slytherin student in one of her lessons. Still, he wanted to make sure that Leirion hadn't managed to get herself into any trouble while he was gone.

He walked into the room and frowned, seeing that she wasn't there. He thought she might have left, but there was a cauldron sitting on a desk that had the beginning of a potion in it. Leirion wouldn't leave without finishing it.

He walked into his office, thinking that she might have needed an ingredient from the store cupboard in there. He froze at the sight that met him.

Leirion was sitting next to his desk, where there was a drawer ajar. Lying next to her was the dress she had arrived at Hogwarts wearing. She was looking down at the photograph of herself and Lily.

"What are you doing!" he shouted, as soon as he could get his frozen lungs to take in air.

Leirion jumped. "The record stopped playing, and I was going to look for another one," she explained. "I know you hide the Cats one, so I was looking for it. I just found these. Who are these people? Are they your family?"

Snape could barely force his brain to function. All he knew was that no one but him could look at those photographs. No one!

"Is this lady your wife? Is this your baby?" Leirion asked.

"No!" Snape shouted harshly. "Give me those." He snatched the precious photographs out of her hands. She didn't recognize herself. She didn't know that she was the baby in the photograph.

"Where are they?" Leirion asked. "Why don't they ever come here?"

"They… you… you shouldn't have been looking in my desk!" he shouted. He was breathing heavily, and shaking with anger.

"You love them very much, don't you?" Leirion asked. She looked up and met his eyes. "But now you're so sad… why? What happened to them?"

"You have no right!" Snape shouted. He was pacing the room angrily, and turned around to face her again.

Leirion met his gaze again, her eyes filled with sadness. "What happened to them?" she repeated. And then Snape felt the familiar sensation of someone trying to probe his mind. Automatically, he had his occlumency shield up. But it was impossible. Leirion was much too young to have learned legilimency.

Snape was still seething. He snatched the dress off the floor and shoved it back into the drawer with the photographs.

"Never go looking in there again!" he shouted. "How dare you look at that, how could you…" he broke off, thinking that he was becoming slightly hysterical.

"I'm sorry," Leirion said, "I shouldn't have been looking in your desk, but…" she broke off and frowned, looking suddenly confused. "Wait a second… was that my dress?"

Snape had been pacing the room again, but froze when she spoke. McGonagall had a photograph of Leirion as a baby in her office; she must have recognized the dress from the photo.

"Why do you have it?" she asked, confused.

He couldn't let her find out. She had seen the photo of herself with Lily, wearing that same dress. If she was able to figure it out…

Snape crossed the room and was kneeling in front of Leirion quickly enough that she leaned back in surprise.

"You cannot look at those! You cannot go in there!" he shouted. Then he pulled out his wand and pointed it at her face.

"Are you going to kill me?" she gasped.

He paused, right as he was about to cast the spell. Did the child really think him capable of murdering her? Without bothering to respond, he cast a memory charm. Leirion's eyes took on the characteristic blank look of someone who has had their recent memory erased, and then she looked up at him.

"What are we doing in here?" she asked, confused.

"Looking for a record," Snape replied curtly.

"Are you angry with me?" Leirion asked, frowning.

"No," Snape said shortly.

"It sounds like you're angry," Leirion insisted.

"I would simply hope that you would never, ever, go looking in my private space!" Snape snapped.

"Okay," Leirion said, looking very confused now. "I won't."

"Good," Snape snapped, then swept out of his office. Leirion decided not to question why, if they had been looking for a record in his office, they had now left without one. She knew better than to test him when he seemed to be in a formidable mood, though she had no idea what had caused it.

* * *

_September 14, 1987_

"It's just something that she said to me," Snape was saying. "She said that I loved them, but was sad now… how could she know?"

Dumbledore was watching him thoughtfully, but hadn't yet commented.

"I suppose she could have guessed… or maybe she is just particularly adept at reading facial expressions. But I could have sworn she tried to use legilimency. I must be going mad; she's much too young to know how to perform legilimency. I must have imagined it. Yes, she must have guessed, and I was just imagining she tried to use legilimency."

The more he thought about it, the more sense it made. He was starting to feel a bit silly now that his initial surprise had faded. "I apologize for bothering you unnecessarily," Snape told Dumbledore formally. He turned to go.

"Severus," Dumbledore called after him. Snape turned around again to face him.

"I don't think you were imagining things. You're not the type," Dumbledore said with a trace of a smile.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Snape asked.

"It means you don't have much of an imagination, not for highly improbable matters anyway."

"But… it is impossible. She's only five years old," Snape said. In the moment he might have thought that she was using legilimency, but now that he'd had some time to think, the possibility was so unlikely that he was almost certain he must have imagined it.

"She held your gaze before she stated that you loved them, and now you were sad, correct?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes, but, she can't possibly be a legilimens."

"If my thoughts are correct, then I would guess that the first assessment did not come from legilimency, although I wouldn't doubt that she did attempt to use it."

"You aren't making any sense," Snape said irritably. If Dumbledore would just explain himself clearly for once, he would be much easier to talk to.

"Her first statement, that you loved them very much, and her second statement, that you were sad now; these are not thoughts or memories. They are assessments of your emotions."

"What are you saying?" Snape asked.

"I am saying that Leirion is an empath."

Snape stared blankly at Dumbledore for a moment. "You're wrong," he said sharply.

"Well, it is always possible that I am mistaken, of course," Dumbledore conceded, "but I am inclined to think that I am correct in this matter."

"That is simply not possible," Snape said.

"You are not the only one who Leirion has said things to that she shouldn't know. Other staff members have reported similar experiences – usually in cases of strong emotion," Dumbledore said. "Minerva has been in here recently to ask me my thoughts on the matter, and I told her the same thing I am telling you. I believe Leirion is an empath."

"That is not possible!" Snape snarled again.

"I have spoken with the child myself, and I am almost certain that it is possible. In fact, I am almost certain that it is the case."

"She can't be," Snape insisted again.

"You keep on saying that," Dumbledore said, quite pleasantly. "And why are you so strongly opposed to the idea?"

"Empathy is inherited," Snape responded quickly, as though this were some sort of test. "There is no history of empathy in Leirion's family."

"Ah, I see," Dumbledore replied. "But I think that is where you are wrong."

"Are you presuming to know more about her family than I do?" Snape asked irritably.

"No," Dumbledore replied, still in a much too pleasant voice, "but I will say that I have looked more closely at certain details of her family than you have had occasion to do."

Snape glared at Dumbledore. "What do you mean by that?" he demanded. "I know that no one in her family is an empath. I would certainly know if someone was. Besides, empathy is inherited from both parents, which in Leirion's case, it couldn't have been."

"I disagree with you there, Severus," Dumbledore said.

"Oh, do you?" Snape asked icily.

"Lily had an uncanny ability to perceive the emotions of others," Dumbledore began.

Snape felt the familiar feeling of being frozen from the inside out at the mention of Lily's name.

"Lily was empathetic, not an empath," Snape said harshly. "She was muggle-born. Muggles cannot be empaths."

"No they cannot," Dumbledore conceded. "But as I said, Lily had strong empathetic tendencies. And one small error you made Severus. Empathy is inherited to a certain degree, but there are people who are born with natural empathetic tendencies, something that can be inherited from muggles. Lily was a witch, and this accentuated the natural empathy she both inherited and learned from her parents. A certain amount of empathy is learned too, I believe."

"Perhaps she had a certain amount of empathetic tendencies, but she was not an empath. And there is no history of empathy in my family. Where a child might become an empath if one side of the family had only empathetic tendencies, the other side must have had a true empath."

"Yes it must," Dumbledore agreed. "And Leirion inherited that from you."

"I'm not an empath," Snape snorted. The idea was ridiculous. Dumbledore was wrong about this, he was certain now.

"No, you are not," Dumbledore agreed. "But these things can skip generations. You yourself are not an empath, but you did pass it on to Leirion."

"What are you saying?" Snape asked again, his eyes narrowed. He had an idea where Dumbledore was going with this, but he was hoping he was wrong.

"Your mother, Severus," Dumbledore said simply.

"My mother was not an empath!" Snape snapped.

"Not as strong as Leirion, but she was one, yes," Dumbledore said gently.

"You're wrong," Snape argued. "She wasn't, she couldn't have been."

"Have you never wondered why she stayed with a man like your father, Severus?" Dumbledore asked gently.

Snape froze. "Plenty of women do," he replied slowly. He didn't want to discuss this. It was private, something he never discussed with anyone.

"Your mother loved him," Dumbledore began. Snape had begun shaking with suppressed anger. He wanted to tell Dumbledore to stop talking, but he was having difficulty making his brain communicate with his mouth.

"I believe he loved her too." Dumbledore smiled sadly at the expression on Snape's face. "He wasn't a good husband, or a good father, I'm not saying that," Dumbledore assured him. "But in his own way, I think he did care. Your mother loved you, Severus. I think she might have found the strength to leave, for you, but for the fact that he loved her. She could feel it, Severus. She could sense it. And I think she knew what would become of him without her. Perhaps it wasn't right. Perhaps she should have been thinking more about you than about him. I cannot say. But she was thinking of him. And eventually, after spending so much time pushing her own feelings aside to make way for his, I think she may have lost sight of what her true feelings were. I think she began to rely only on his. She could feel them, as surely as her own. She died shortly after he did, correct?"

Dumbledore didn't wait for a response, which was good since Snape wasn't sure he would be able to speak without lashing out at him.

"I think perhaps she had forgotten how to make her way through the world without him. For so long, even his feeling had become her own. I don't think she could survive without that."

Snape forced himself to take in air, to voice a response. "DON'T!" he shouted. His cry echoed in the room. "Don't you dare! Don't you dare speak about her as if you knew her! You didn't know her! You have no idea what went on in that house! You say she's an empath, just explaining away years of pain, as if it's that easy! You don't know a damn thing! Not a thing!"

Snape stopped shouting, breathing heavily. He wanted to launch himself across the desk and wipe the pitying expression off of Dumbledore's face. For the first time in a long time, he wanted to cause someone else pain.

Perhaps sensing this, Dumbledore offered the only thing he could. "I'm sorry, Severus. I'm so very sorry."

"You're sorry, are you?" Snape spat. "That doesn't change anything!"

Snape turned away from Dumbledore, and faced the wall. He took deep breaths trying to calm himself down. When his heart finally stopped racing, he turned back to Dumbledore, who was still standing in the exact same position.

"You said you didn't doubt that she had tried to use legilimency," Snape said, careful to keep his voice neutral. "But even if she is an empath, she is still much too young to use legilimency."

"Empaths generally are natural legilimens, and occlumens too," Dumbledore explained. "Being able to read emotions so easily leads them to probing thoughts to try and explain these emotions. Empathy gives them a certain advantage. Being able to read emotions helps them to break into the thoughts and memories that go along with them. They generally stop doing this when they are older, because they understand that it's not right to probe people's minds. But as children, they must be taught this. They seek only to satisfy their curiosity, not thinking that it's wrong to invade someone's privacy, just as Leirion disregarded your privacy when she searched through your desk. She will learn."

"And you say they are natural occlumens as well?"

"Being constantly bombarded with the emotions of people all around can be quite distressing, I'd imagine. Children learn at a young age to try and block as much as they can. They can never completely block out the emotions of others, but they can dampen the constant presence of it. The only thing that can block out all the emotions that empaths pick up on is if they themselves are overwhelmed by a strong emotion of their own."

"So if I use occlumency, will that stop her from picking up on it then?" Snape asked.

"It can stop her from probing you mind, yes," Dumbledore said. "As for emotions, there is no magic that can stop her from picking up on it. The only way she won't feel it, is if you don't feel it."

Snape stared at Dumbledore. While he didn't like his explanation, he had to agree that Leirion did seem to demonstrate empathy. He would just have to avoid emotion when she was around. And hadn't he been trying to do that for a long time anyway?

Without another word, since he was still angry with the other man, Snape swept out of the room.


End file.
